Thursday, April 10, 2008

still trying not to give a damn...

had the 'pow-wow- with my cadre of doctors (pulmonologist, rheumatologist, oncologist, cardiologist, neurologist, and my internist) yesterday and i am still trying to hold on to my happiness. hell. i will hold on to my happiness. there.

now, like i was saying. i mentioned in my previous post that i had to go through my round of quarterly medical workups and that i wouldn't give a damn what the results were. well. i still don't give a damn. but i do. but i don't. really.

they think i need an "intermiediate course" of chemotherapy. now look damnit!! i just celebrated getting through 6 chemo free months!! the longest i've ever gone since this kind of twisted, purgatory-ish hell invaded my beautiful life 3 years ago.

i thanked them for sharing, and that i would marinate on it and get back to them. i just don't want to do it anymore. there. i said it. i don't. it's just awful. really. depending on your dose, it's everything you think it might be. and i don't want to go back there again.

but i want to live. so i will do it. between you and me, i'm not that strong though. i wish i were that kind of person you read about or see in the movies who handles their situation with such grace and dignity. everyone who's ever known me would say that i am that person and that i amaze them. but i'm not that person.

i am so tired of not being able to walk my dog or walk around the block with my ladybug as she rides her bike ahead of me. of not being able to sit in the sun and feel it on my body, nurishing me. of my cane. my wheelchair. not always remembering things and knowing that it's not because i'm 4oish, but that i've got this damn thing has now invaded my brain. i'm tired of not being able to drive, or play with my ladybug, or complete a load of laundry, or walk up and down the stairs, havign to wake dear hubby up in the middle of the night to help me get to the bathroom because my muscles atrophy during the night, or to just get a big hug my ladybug (or anyone else for that matter) without the pain. oh i hate the pain.

so no, i am not that person. i'm scared. frustrated. so angry i could spit fire. confused. hurt. and greatful. because i am so very blessed in this situation. it all has blessed me and my life and i hold on to that because, eventhough the dumb dumb doc's had given me a time limit, like i'm a pack of yogurt, it could be so much worse. yet it's not. i'm still here. still scared. frustrated. so angry i could spit fire. confused. hurt. and... greatful. yes. and thankful.

i'm still here. i will do chemo. again. if i have to. and i will be thankful. i am greatful.

be well :)


Lovebabz said...

I don't give a shit if you are tired. You are alive and you are doing better. I will allow you to feel sorry for yourself for another 15 minutes than we are cutting this bullshit out. You are going to follow the plan and you are going to do it cheerfully. If I have to get on a damned plan and come out there tomorrow I will! I know this is tough. I have no idea what you are going through---ok some idea, because I did a bit of chemo myself so I know how bad it can be. But do what you have to do NOW so you can do what you want to do later. You are one of the strongest persons I know and I can't imagine my world without you in it---YES this is purely purely selfish on my part. But I am convinced that my sheer will alone will make you do what you have to do! Besides you have to be strong enough to go to Paris with me!

I love you.

Princess TinyButt said...

tears. tears. tears. i thank you sis. i am thankful for you sis. more tears. yes.

i'm not going anywhere. too damn stubborn and in love with this life of mine. and you that's in it. plus, i'm the type that likes to read the end of a book first! yes, it's true.

i just needed to allow myself to 'a moment' because i rarely do. other than my journal, this is the only place where i feel i can do that. and it felt good!

so dearest, my fifteen minutes where up last night. today is a new day. it always is. and the sun is shinning, it's going to be close to 83 wonderful degrees. flower's are blooming. birds chirping. i've got my favorite traimix and oatmeal rasin cookies from wholefoods. and some shortribs are waitng for me to perform my magic! no worries sis! i am just fine... my life is just too damn GOOD!!

I LOVE YOU, oh so dearly.

CapCity said...

U R that PERSON!!! U R the bravest most beautiful soul I have yet to meet, li'l Mrs. TinyBootaylicious!! We will MEET, too! I wanna come to the Left coast if for no other reason than to make a pilgrimage to meet & U - THAT Li'l Brave woman who is BRAVE enough to share with US, Brave enough to cry & be frustrated & scream out in pain & agony and talk about it, Brave enough to BE Scared and STILL go ON & DO WHATEVER is required to LIVE to hug that Li'l Lady Bug, to LIVE to shake that FOINE husband who adores the chance to walk u to the bathroom and anywhere ELSE!

No matter HOW Blessed u/we are it IS okay to FRET & VENT! Even JESUS threw tantrums every so often (or so I heard - I haven't gotten to that part of the Bible yet;-).

KNOW that someone in da Bronx (ME!) is PRAYING for U, Sistah TinyB!!!

BIG Ol' Country Cyber HUGZ 2 ya!

Anonymous said...

Ang, I am so going to eat your chocolate truffle the next time we go to tea. How come you didn't call me or email me about this? Girl, you are sooo gonna get it... a hug and a kiss, and a prayer, too. Then another hug, then a scolding (oh, you are getting that now!).

What is, is. You deal with it or you give up. I know you won't give up. You want, you NEED, to see L grow up, so you will do what you need to do, and if you curse and kick, and find joy in life while you are doing it, I guess that just makes you human, girl. Love you lots. Let's talk. Glo.

Princess TinyButt said...

hey glo and cap! thanks so much, i just needed to vent at that moment, and it felt so good! so i am so very sorry for alarming you guys.

cap, i will be here when you're ready to hit the left side, and i can't wait! we'll have so much fun and i'll cook a big ole feast for you! luv ya lots :)

glo, thanks so much for your call this morning. it, and you, mean so much to me. i love you :)