where and how do i begin? (yikes, cc's visit!)

cc and the kids came to visit and, well.... i really don't know what to say without saying something that i know i'd regret. not that it wouldn't be the truth, or anything mean. i never regret telling the truth. the issue is that i always say things about other people, that i would have no problem saying to them directly. well, except maybe my mom!! and i really don't know how to say what i'm feeling to her, or if it even needs to be said, without causing drama. hell, i don't even know what i'm feeling really because it was all so.... over the top! and she's a "close" friend! i'll have to get to that later once i've got some distance between the whole visit and right now.

speaking of friends, i feel like i've picked up a few that are quickly becoming close to my heart. two in particular are moms at lb's school and are and have been just great to me this last year while going thru my health drama's. and they have no reason to be. they just really seem to have great spirits. one, hmmm what name can i give her??? don't want to be too obvious here. let's see, lil l's mom? or how 'bout ll kool k? yeah, i like that one. the other? hmmm, ok, uh..... this is hard! BOW, yes!! so, my new specials are ll kool k(maybe kk - kool k - for short) and BOW.

all of that to come up with some names?! hah! i'm so silly, really i am. ok, so anyway, i'm drawn to them more than any of the other parents, moms. don't get me wrong, everyone at lb's school is really nice, have offered to help or has in some way. for example, it's a private school and we have to do a certain number of volunteer hours and at some point dh and i knew that there'd e no way we'd make it. well, someone stepped up to the plate and donated their hours!! i'm still overwehelmed by that gesture. i really don't think whoever did that know's what it meant, and still means for them to do that for us. i am making it my mission to find out who did it!! SERIOUSLY!

i feel so blessed to have gotten her into this school, and well, everything happens how and when it's supposed to happen. and again, i see why.... i had the siezure and brain injury suddenly last year in october (see previous posts), just after school started, so we knew NO ONE! and no one knew us. and kk just stepped on up to the plate, along with BOW in her way, as she got to know us over the school year. so, as the year progressed and turned into summer, i have developed a special place in my heart for these two special ladies. i look forward to seeing them when school starts and getting to know them better over the coming school years.

ok, now you've got background on some new folks in my life. other than getting lb ready for school and dealing with the dumb decision to go to disneyland and come back the day before school starts while still having the houseguests from hell visiting and dealing with health issues, not much is going on!! oh yeah, did i mention that we still don't know who the first grade teacher will be? not worried though. lb is prepared.

major/minor hubby drama and b-day fun

it's much warmer these last few days. which is good for me in that my bones and joints ache awful when it's overcast and chilly. even though my doc's say there's no correlation- that's b.s.

well, dh and i had a bit of a spat yesterday and right now i am just so tired of him. tired of his 'shit'. just how he can be at times. here i am dealing with, living with, fighting with a few little life threatening illnesses (see previous posts), and it's like he dips in and out of the situation, i don't want to fight with him too! ok, so yeah, it's alot for him to deal with. i totally get that. i guess that's why he can acts like an ass at times. which is why i let a lot of shit slide with him.

don't get me wrong, he can be just F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S, alot of the time - given the situation. hell, he loves me and it shows. we are really good together and i love that, and i love him. but geeez louweez...!!! just a bad day for us.... oh well....

anyway, lb (ladybug) had a few birthday party's this weekend, and we went to just two. they were her classmates and it was great to see the kids and the parents too! many of her class mates have grown so much, i was surprised! they're all starting to loose that bay look about them. but it was fun to see her run around and playing with her friends again. she's realy missed them this summer. only a few weeks ago did she finally get the fact that she's out of school for the summer.

well, cc and the kids will be here tuesday, and then we're off to disneyland next saturday. yep, i'm crazy to go to d'land and get back to town the day before school starts. nuts! i pray it won't screw up her shcedule. yeah, right.....

be well :)

been too long

hi ya! yes, yes, it's been too long! i've been very much under the weather lately. i hope i'm not trying to have a flare. i've been pretty busy with ladybug - she's home for the summer, and dh has been gone ALL month on business travel for work, so i've been by myself with her. i've had a few more siezures than normal as well, but i think it's just because i've been doing alot more than normal.

ladybug went to atlanta to stay a week with mil (mom in law) and family, so dh and i went on a nice little jaunt to catalina island last week. it was so nice to be away. i was exhausted when we left, and am even more so now! i was a bit anxious too which didn't help. why? well, ladybug is only 5 yo and i wasn't sure if she was ready to be that far away from me, and hubby said she'd be staying all over the place with no one really taking off to be with her. well that freaked me out and i wasnt having it!! but i should have known better. he has a flair for the dramatic that he'll never admit too, and it drives me crazy to no end. so i called mil to see what the h*** was going on. all was fine.... that darn hubby of mine.....arrrrrgg!

so ladybug did just fine and had a ball. i'm so happy for her!! she's an only child, and the only girl on both sides, so i worry at times that she's having fun. but, hey, there's only so much i can do. she's an only child, it is what it is i'm afraid. so i'm sooooooo beyond thrilled to have her back. i worried a little and prayed a bit more. but she's home!!! my god i missed her. and yet i didn't. something to explore on another post. the pangs and odd feelings of moherhood. hmm....

the other reason i was anxious was that i haven't been on an airplane for i dont know how long, and i hadn't been cleard by the docs to fly. so i didn't know how my body would react. i was just fine. i had a few siezures once we got there, and back, and i managed to do alot of walking before i gave in to huby's pestering me about a wheelchair, so i'm happy with how i did! i feel like that was a test for the upcoming trip to disneyland i'm taking with my sister/friend cc and her 2 kids in a couple of weeks. i'm very excited!! i haven't seen her in so long, and i don't remember her daughter, who's my goddaughter. i just have pics of her to look at. plus ladybug and her son are very close too. i just miss cs and will try not to cry when i see her.

there are really only two women in my life that i share 'me' with. cc and d-monie. they are my sisters in the very essence of the word sister. i love them and i know that they love me. ironically, neither of them have met. hopefully i can get them together. i can't even say that they know much about each other. i'm not one to talk about other people to other people, even if it's nothing major. i know they know of each other, that the other's married with kids, but i think that's it. i've never felt comfortable talking about other people. however, i dont mind them talking about me though. because i know them. we are all very much alike in the best way, and yet different in the best way. i love that. they both are very creative - d is so stylish; cc is very organized. they really help me be a better person. i love 'em.

errrg! the doorbell! the tv repair man is here, again. my cousin came over a couple of weeks ago, just wouldn't leave, stayed the night, and just destroyed my house, along with the tv. she's going thru a divorce-maybe. i'll fill you in on that drama later, now that i can talk about!!.....a hot mess!!

be well :)

last few days

no much to report. we went to a 4th of july party at dh's friends house. we go there for get togethers they throw, and it's always interesting going there because the wife is interesting. not in an interesting way though. our hubby's are good friends and they, along with her, are all from the same state. actually, she and my hubby are from the same town. we all met here in the bay area through a mutual friend back in georgia.

well, anyway, she has made how she feels about me quite clear from day one, which is that she thinks i'm 'shee shee pooh pooh, upity, with the pinky in the air, you know what i mean? well, we were over a while ago, maybe over a year ago, for one of their gatherings, and she decided to gang up on me and tried to pick me, and how and where i was raised and went to school, apart. i still can't believe she 'went there'.

she has a small group of friends, and mother figure, ms. b, whom i really like. well, they, and her hubby had to calm her down. what did i do? not much, honestly. i've never been one to "play the dozens", and it had gotten to a point where she looked so rediculous that i didn't have to say anything. i believe in letting people like that dig the hole themselves, which she did.

i on't believe anyone is better than anyone else, no matter what. we all have our 'issues'. and her issues are that she is self conscious and insecure, and for some reason, especially around me, which is why, i've now figured out, why behaves that way towards me. she has since calmed down a great deal, i guess someone said something to her, maybe her hubby or ms. b. i don't know. but she is still uncomfortable and i can feel it.

i've come across my share of people like that, and at first i would allow myself to get flustered and upset by them - fall victim to them. unitl i realized what was really going on. you see, people tell you who they are, it's up to us to hear them, and listen. i know who and what i am, and am sre and confident in that. period. now, i have my moments, lord knows! there are so many forces out there that make you question yourself. it's very hard.

so anyway, the function wound down, with nothing to report other than her usual and rediculous attempts at a smart under the radar comment here and there. she really thinks she's funny. i also don't like going over there because they can't cook!

be well :)

ladybug's home!

i am just crazy about my daughter. all i want to do is hug her, kiss her, look at her, touch her, hold her, listen to her breathe, sing, talk (well, most of the time, after all she is 5!). oh and her laugh. it's just heaven. dh and i do things to her just so we can hear her laugh.

so she has a break from her gymnastic camp because of the holiday being in the middle of the week i guess. i'm not too pleased with this camp. she loves the gymnastics part, which i knew she would. it's perfect for her. she gets to run, climb, jump, flip and tumble. plus i was an elite gymnast and coached for a while too. but as soon as you walk into this place it just doesn't feel fun. there's a range of ages, they're not grouped based on their age, which i really don't like. she's one of the 'only ones' of her age and background. i'm trying really hard not to put her in situations where she'll feel isolated and alone. she's already in a school where there's only a handful of kids like her, and they're not in her class. she's the only one in her class, and there are no teachers that look like her. she came home one day and told me that one of the girls in her class said her the color is is a bad one. so lb decided that she doesnt want to be the color that she is now with such sadness and confusion. heartbreakng. what do i do?

there's this short film called "a girl like me" done by a young girl named kiri davis about skin color and it's effects on very young children. she based it on dr. kenneth clark's ground breaking study back in the 50's. wow! check it out or google it if you get a chance. it really makes you think...hard. i did my masters thesis on this material and my title was "what is pretty is good", ut i flipped the scrpt and used color instead of actual supposed physcial attractiveness. i don't want to make a big deal about it, you know, overemphasize the color thing. but, i grew up in a situation where i was the only one in school and in my extra curricular things (like lacrosse, cheerleading, horseback riding, swimming). luckily i had/have family that did those things too while growing up. but i couldn't be with them all the time. i'm just trying to keep my own baggage out of it. but it's hard.

enough of that. i'm just so happy that to have her for the next few days. eventhough she's 5 and can be a handful. not in a typical 5 year old kind of way, but yet yes, in that way. she's so easy that everyone always wants to babysit her. i hope she can tell how much i appreciate her. i worry too. because of my crazy self centred narcissistic mother (see "mommy dearest"post) and her effect on me, i worry taht i go too far the other way with ladybug. that i'm being too soft with her and make it too easy for her. i worry if i'm making life fun and interesting for her with little baggage of her own. especially since i'm sick.

this morning she came to our room wanting to get in the bed at about 2am. i or dh usually walker her back if it's too early (like before 4:30am), but i let her in the bed anyway because i wanted to snuggle with her. she has this way of wrapping herself around me that i just love. i swear if she could get back inside my stomach she would. she stokes and caresses me like she's the adult there to comfort me! funny and cute.

so i let her wrap her growing like a weed legs around me and i kissed her forhead, and then i happily nodded off to sleep sandwiched between the two loves of my life.

be well :)

shootin' blanks

so i've probably filled you in on some of my health issues and health related what nots and how i'm really trying to come to terms with just how sick i really am. it's hard. i don't want to believe that my body, and now possibly my brain is failing me. one of the things that i'm dealing with is short term memory loss. at least that's the the doctors are calling it. short term memory loss(stml). short term. doesn't short term mean for a little while, temporary, will be over soon? well, i'm still waiting. this whole escalation of my diseases happened in october. on my wedding anniversery no less. i keep hoping that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will be all over, at least the memory issue.


yes, it's gotten so much better since october. truly. BUT. i'm getting frustrated. for the most part, i can see that i've come a very long way, and am very thankful for the support and prayers i've recieved, and i know that it will take time. time. TIME.

right now i'm sick of that. sick and tired of hearing that, of telling myself that. of being patient. you see, i'm the one that's patient with everyone.... except with myself. i don't know how to be that for myself. how to give that to myself. i should know how to, right? i gave to everyone else. shouldn't it be easy? well, it's not. along with a whole list of other things i should be able to do for myself.

i 'm tired of not knowing if i've had this conversation already, asked that question before. i have to write everything down. more than twice most of the time. i was in the store the other day and i saw someone i think knew me, but didn't say anything to me, just sort of "acted" like we didn't know each other. but i really felt like we did. there was something in her eyes that gave it away. all i have is my gut feeling. i don't remember, but sometimes i just have a feeling. it's really difficult to do so many things now. things that everyone takes for granted. things that i use to just do. like multi tasking (impossible practically,lol!!), or remembering how to get somewhere that you go a thousand times. just watching a tv show is a major challenge. its hard to follow, especially trying to watch movies. its all i can do to keep up with my ladybugs childrens programming the sprout channel! (you know, barney...). like the other day dh and i were going to get lb registered in her summer gymnastic camp. i knew exactly where it was, could see it in my mind. but i could remember how to tell dh where to go, or if we were even heading the right way. hell, i knew where i was, but didn't really know where i was! do you understand? it's more than just having a brain fart. you see, i was always the go to person. i knew everything, and remembered even more. i had this close to photographic memory. reliable like the sun rising and setting. now?

i use to be very well spoken, articulate, and cogent. a pretty good, and very confident public speaker, if i must say so myself. now...?? well, let's just say that it's probably all you can do to understand me. yeah, i'm typing like all is well, but trust me! this is not how i really speak. my sentance structure and spelling is that of a kindergartener. when i talk it sounds as if i'm deaf, or from some exotic country, or speaking baby talk, depending on how i'm feeling. it's so hard now to get my point accross. to say what i really am meaning to say. in addition to stml i have a combination of broca's and wernicke's aphasia. broca's is when it takes great effort for one to talk and have problems with grammar and speak short telegraphic sentences, such as "get water". wernicke's is when it's easy to talk, but i use the wrong words, the wrong sounds, or make up words. Much of what some people say may sound like "nonsense". i go back and forth depending on what's going on - if i'm tired, in pain, having swelling in the language center of the brain (vasculitis), or had a siezure.

everytime i look at dh or my ladybug, i get scared, angry, frustrated. it's also very funny. lb will say "ok momy, i'm going to have another cup of pudding because you're going to forget that i already had one". how can i stay angry, and frustrated for long? lol! i've since had to pull a 'mommy' on her and i pretend that my memory is just fine. i let her see me as i am except that. i do not want to put that on her. for some reason i feel like she can handle my physical disabilities, heck, she thinks it's fun at times (she gets to ride in my wheelchair with me sometimes, or play with my quite fancy shmacy cane!), but worry about the memory issues on her. she asked me one day if i was able to remember to take care of her, get her milk, cheerios, etc. the look of mixed genuine concern and fear and sadness on her face nearly broke me. my god i love her. oh, and the thought of my dh. i'm watching him now watching me struggle to type this. heartbreaking, really.

how do i describe to you what its like? i'm struggling with that. can you imagine looking at a picture of you and some loved ones, and having absolutely no memery, or even a feeling of it? nothing. just blank. that's it. just blank. i think that's the best i can do. it's blank. blankness. lots of it too. all running together.

anyway. i'm angry and frustrated and scared right now. very. i'm shootin' blanks. there. i do feel better now.

be well :)

my thursday thought....

i've been wanting to post all week, but i've been really tired and not feeling so well. even now. i missed getting one of my scripts filled. it's a controlled substance so i can't just call in a refill. i've got to call my neurologist, who's office staff is just rediculous, then hope and pray that they got the message and gave it to my doc, who's pretty good, just her staff is, well, like i said, and then this time i have to wait for them to mail it because dh is on road trip for work and he usually picks it up. plus, one of my really good college buddies and his wife and daughter were in town and we had dinner monday, and we laughed, remenisced, ate and drank into the wee hours in the morning. so there. i'm exhausted and feeling so not so hot right now.

anyway, ladybug is in gymnastics summer camp for the next few weeks and she's liking it, but not liking it. i thnk it's because she wants her way all the time. it's perfect for her because she gets to jump, flip and run around which is all she wants to to anyway. but this is day 4 and she started whining about going this morning. that inner kid in me immediately started to empathize , but for the wrong reasons. yes, it would be easier to keep her home with me - i wont have to figure out how to get her there and back; i wont have to worry about both of us being presentable; and most importantly, i can sleep in. i'm exhausted! he, he! well, i want her to love it.

well, i'm going to go make myself feel better and do some scrapbooking....

be well :)