i've always had a 'thing' for power tools! surgery anyone?

yeah, i know. it's been awhile and i just wish i had the time and energy to fill you in on all that has happened since i've come back from atlanta. but i can't. so i will give you 'just the facts, ma'am' as my guy joe friday would say....

well, the time has come. yep. gotta go get cut up in about 7 hours. i feel a bit better about it now, but the last few days have been hell. really.

it all began last week thursday when we got back from atlanta, and i had to begin all my pre-op stuff - labs, joint replacement classes, several rounds of pow wow's with all my various doctors to discuss my delicate situation. they kept talking about all the risks involved in my case particulary - neurological relapse, heart/lung issues all over again ( i won't go into detail because i just don't want to think about it anymore). then they say that the whole point of hip replacement surgery is to relieve pain and improve mobility. well, my mobility issues are not due to the fact that i, in essence, do not have a right hip, nor do i feel the excrutiating pain i'm supposed to be in because if my neuroligical issues.

so i got quite aggitated all of a sudden. "why am i taking all these significant risks to fix the pain in my hip that i don't feel?" plus there were anesthesia issues - do we put her 'out' or just in 'twilight'? well, they're gonna put me on the respirator to protect my lungs (part of a grand, well orchestrated plan mind you), so they felt i would fight it if i were in twighlight, where as my neuro issues could kick up again if they put me out. well what is a doctor to do?

i told them that they better figure all this crap out, and to beyond my satisfaction. needless to say, i was scared. and anxious.

i'm not so scared anymore, but i am still anxious.

so, that was thursday. yesterday the doc's met and worked it all out to my satisfaction. but i still had a day from hell. my baby, my T5 wouldn't start. i actually started to cry when she was loaded on the flatbed tower and taken away to the dealership. and my other baby, my dog malik, had a crisis and i boohooed after that. (he's 13 years old mind you, and has cancer too). i was all alone, and he fell and couldn't get up. now, he's normally almost 200lbs. but because he's sick, and now, i realize, is near the end, he's stopped eating and has lost alot of wieght. anyway, that's just a third of it all. it was a, excuse me, shitty day.

so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip and so smooth and is an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's somethign about the way she says tomorrow. she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hung from my own mommy, and the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this.....



ps... i love you.