day for daddies

well, ladybug and juan are off at the school's annual father daughter dance tonight and i think he was more excited about it than she was. and i am so glad of that. i do what i can so they may develop a special relationship, bond. she loves him, and he adores her. when i was pregnant he made it very clear that 'he' was having a daughter. however, it's hard for him to express his adoration for her in ways that are meaningful and relevant to her. and that's something i'm working very hard on helping him with. he's had no model but his pure love driven determination to figure out how to be a wonderful father truly touches my heart.

it's important to me you see, because i'm a daddy's girl. a hardcore daddy's girl.. i LOVE my "pop's". and i got the rare treat of spending the day working with him. just me and him. and i haven't been able to do that in a VERY LONG TIME. he called last night to say he had no coverage today while he saw clients and worked on taxes. this is our company's busy season (tax time) and since i've been 'really' sick (ie-can't drive), i haven't been in the office to see and know what's going on. it was both quite difficult and fantastically exhilarating for me to be there. i miss it so much. i also see how much of a mess it is, both in organization and cleanliness. and that was so hard for me to see today because that is not pop. you can walk in to his house at any given moment with a white glove and run your fingers over anything, anywhere. ** sigh** i feel the pressure, self inflicted, to get better because he needs me. the business needs me. and i need it.

yes, i can and do work from home. i "see" about 5-7 clients a week (i had more before i got real sick), run about 1-2 seminars a month, and work on company stuff here and there. i do pretty well. actually, i run the company; it's his and ours together. he started it about 27 years ago and handed primary operations over to me about 8 years ago - i am the president/ceo and he's the v.p./cfo. we have 3 seperate yet overlapping practices-tax, non-profit, and small business consulting- and we stay busy. i handle my own life coaching practice, in addition to my regular consulting duties in the areas of HR/Employment, group home administration certification training programs, financial/real estate/mortgage, along with running all back office operations and issues for the company (payables, recievables, contracts, internal payroll, hr, etc..). sounds quite diverse does it? yes and not really. it all overlaps actually. trust me.

so with all that said, i love what i do and the fact that i get to do it with my pops. my daddy. and i hope and pray that my ladybug will do and feel the same about hers.

be well :)

here we go again...

well, it is now confirmed. i have to have surgery....again. MARCH 5th. you know me, i've been trying to negotiate with the docs, but they were not having any of me and my bullshit this time. well, at least i got my way a little bit... no chemo...for now. i take my victories when, where, and how i can get them.

so what's going on now you ask? i'd like to know myself. my body just isn't able to cooperate with me. poor thing. and i love my body. always have. i like looking at it. oh, sorry... i digress.

like i was saying... i'd like to know what's going on too. yeah, the docs give me their mumbo jumbo about this cell and that platelet, this scan/mri, and that drug response. but frankly, i'm tired of all that crap. what is really going on here?

well, i'm sick. and ... i'm in denial, still. you see, i like to 'forget' that i've got some crazy, truly shitty (is that how you spell shitty? i've always wanted to cuss like a sailor) shit ravaging my body. totally fucking with my life. my life. **sigh** don't these diseases know that i'm busy trying to live my damn life? ok, didn't realize that i am just a bit angry. i had made plans for march!

i've got holes in my bones. they're disintegrating quicker than expected and now i'm leaking bone marrow. apparently that's not a good thing. at least it explains why my labs have been off a bit. it's a little tricky this one because the grafting is happening on my 'good' side, the side of my lower body that's not paralyzed. so the docs aren't sure exactly how they want to rehab me. which i don't understand one bit. don't they rehab one legged people all the time? its just that my bad leg is still attached. so what's the problem? well, at least i talked the surgeon into fixing my other hip while he's in there. looks like i'll be an inch or so taller..WHOOOO-HOOOO!!

but seriously. i'm not happy about this. not at all. and i'm scared. again. and i don't want to be. i'm sad. again. and that's not me. i'm angry. again. and that's not me either. i don't want to be 'this person'. who's sick. but i am. for now.

and this too will pass. because i said so.

be well :)

what do you do when he HATES valentines day?

you love him anyway.

yes, i must come out of the closet with this one. my dearest hubby HATES valentines day. he feels it has now become way too commercialized. and i get where he's coming from and i agree. really. the love you have for someone should be celebrated everyday. in many little and big ways. and he and i do. now, i'm not the mushy cheezy kind that gets all into it either. it's just that.... well...

he's made it extremely clear that he's not either. and it's been difficult for me these 17+ years with him. to be with someone i love who is violently opposed to this day of love. now don't get me wrong... he has totally come through on this front in ways that has blown my mind and also has left an "awwwe...he is amazing!" on the lips of friends and family. but you see, he's very public with his show's of love. other than love making, it's very minimal, and i usually have to initiate most forms of affection. it just doesn't occur to him...unless it occurs to him.

i am an affectionate person. not needy. just affectionate. not necessarily into "pda" (public demonstrations of affection), but reasonable and relevant shows of affection. hand holding. a rub here, a gentle touch there. and my favorite---great, mindblowing, intriguing, intimate, casual, soul bearing, matter-of-fact, "hey babe, how's your day?...well..." conversation. yes. conversation. its like foreplay for me. especially anything deep and intense and revealing..any topic..just deep and intense and revealing. but that's not him. mr. passive agressive.

so.. i got a couple of beautiful bouquets of flowers delivered to me beginning yesterday. my favorites. the card that came was anonymous, but the words were wonderful. something about being strong, courageous, inspiring, beautiful... all the stuff you'd want to be on a card that was with delivered flowers. i immediately suspected my daddy. that's totally like him!! but no, him it was not. i was very suspicious of hubby because i had figured that he had given in. after all, they were a combination of my top 2 most favorite flowers.

nope. not him.

my gut agreed with him. those were'nt his kind of words. and he would have NEVER had flowers delivered to me. NEVER.

so fast forward to today. this time rose came. and the card a bit more intimate. with talk of my sexiness, and how tinking of me makes them a happier person. that they love and admire me from afar. .... what the hell?!?

nah... had to be juan.

nope. not him.

this time he got a bit huffy puffy at the fact that i asked him intensely if it were him this time or not. "well, send them back" he said. lol!

i called the flower company and they said they'd check to see if the sender wished to stay anonymous. they did. but, the customer service rep did let slip that it was "a man" sending all the flowers. i am definately intrigued. theflowers are gorgeous. and i find myself wishing it was juan, not some far off admirer. i also found myself wishing that he gave a bit more of a damn than usual.

so, i was able to get my vday fix. beautiful flowers, sunshine, hugs and kisses from my ladybug and a card from my daddy. eventhough i didn't get it from the one i love. no cards. no flowers. no intimate dinner for two. no ... well, maybe some love making (of course he'll take that-but in his mind, it won't have anythhing to do with valentines day!!). what do you do when the one you love hates the day that you are to celebrate the love you have for one another all year long?

well, you love them anyway. in spite of themselves. because love truly rules. when you let it.

today is the day for LOVE---HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

be well :)

back on the highway

a little while ago i talked about feeling as though i had taken a temporary detour on my journey in this life, to discovering my authentic self among other things, but that i was back on the road again. now i'm sure there will be many more detours to come, and that's just fine. they're needed. requred really, for the kind of growth, and peace of spirit and mind that i'm looking to achieve. and that detour has put me in a very contemplative mood, where i'm thinking deeply about where i'm at right now. where i've come. and where and how i intend to be going forward. i feel that i am in the process of laying the groundwork for the rest of my life. and i'm quite excited about that.

i feel that this year is truly the year for change. i feel it. know it. and i plan on making some changes of my own regarding quite a bit. now, i'm not into 'resolutions', the kind everyone makes at the beginning of the year. nope. but i do believe in intent. and setting reasonable, attainable goals for myself. intentions. and i have several for myself. for my life.

so going forward, i will occasionally post various intentions and goals for myself, and will putting various lists together of things that are important to me. some may seem very simple and shallow. some might be deep and challenging. and i begin with these...

I INTEND TO:

~ get back to meditating daily
~ exercise regularly (3-4xwk)
~ get back to cooking what I like to eat, and experimenting more
~ get back to reading
~ work on my creativity by crafting more and getting back to my photography
~ be quiet

i plan on taking baby steps towards these goals. doing what i can, when i can do it, and not beating myself up over what seems to be a lack of measurable progress. that's ridiculous. and i hope that non of you out there are doing that.... huh?

be well :)