I'M HOME!!!!!!!!!

ok, so truthfully? it just got too crazy at hotel le'summit, so hubby checked me out on saturday. YAAAAY!!!!!

all is well. i'm fine. super fine now that i'm home. i can rehab here. the visiting nurses association (VNA) will be checking up on me, getting my rehab schedule together - PT, OT, plus the nurse to check my labs.

oh, i'm sooo happy to be home!! i'm exhausted from being in the hospital and am looking forward to getting some rest, my blue sofa, and my dog malik! oh i've missed my big guy. i've been worried about him. i think he's getting close to being ready to go. ooooh, that was hard.

i've never really given a whole post to him, as important as he is to me. i don't know why. he's so good, brings me joy, know's me so well that it's scary. really. he's so not like a dog. but, i'm sure most doggie moms and dads feel teh same way. whatcha think all mi-t? :)

well, i talked about the little crisis i had with him hte day before the surgery, and i knew then that it may be time. he's 13 years old. an alaskan malamute. that breeds lifespan, according to my vet, who knows quite a bit about them, is anywhere from 5-7 years. they sometimes make it to 9. so, i have no complaints!

he's just such a great dog. who talks to me. yes, he's one of those dogs that thinks he can talk. lol! he's so funny! and cool. he doesn't get bothered by anything, or anyone. he rarely barks. just easy!!

well, i could go on and on about my big guy, i have so many malik stories, it's crazy. well, no, that makes sense.... 13 years!

i LOVE this dog. and i'm home.

be well :)

still here...

hey y'all...

yep. still here. two weeks later. i am trying to keep a good front, but it's gettin old. hell. it is old. i want so badly to go home. i ache for it. for home.

i thought i was checking out of hotel le hospital today, but the doc's, occupational/physical therapists, and even juan, feel i'm not ready. ok. that's fine. whatever.

so, i was about to vent about all that has been going on with me since i've been here. but, i don't know where to start. there's been so much. and, really, i don't know what good that will do anyway. because it's done. and i think you should only focus on not necessarily the good, but on the things you can do something about. and aside from walking the hell outta here, there's not much i can do about most of it.

however, i am going to talk a little bit about just how sick i had gotten earlier this week, because i am feeling like i need to vent. just vent. exhale. and because i tend not to vent much in my non blog world, and the fact that i'm cooped up in this room with such a great view and that it's a wonderfully glorious great weather day here in the bay area and i haven't been outside since glo was here last week.... i'm feeling pissy. so, here i go...

as i've mentioned in previous posts, i have a host of secondary issues related to my diseases (i'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention (denial? maybe, whatever) - interstitial pulmonary fibrosis, systemic lupus, lymphatic cancer, vaculitis, and suspected ms, affecting my heart, lungs, brain, connective tissue, and now most likely my bones), one of which is a tendency to 'throw clots', which means that for some reason my blood doesn't work right and tends to clot. that's not good because they can travel through the body, usually hitting the lungs (pulmonary embolisms), which is the problem i have. and i have an issue with healing normally because of all the immune suppression stuff going on (steroids and chemotherapy).

so with all that said, and with all the mixups with my medications - under dosing, over dosing, insuficient pain management due to misunderstanding of my diseases - i got really sick begining saturday. i just didn't feel right. i knew something was up, but i couldn't put my finger on it. come to find out, my INR levels (or "pro-time". it measures how fast, or not, your blood clots) were through the roof - 14.8. to put that into perspective for you, the normal range is 1-3, with 3 being a bit high, vitamin k intervention at 5. if it's too high then you run the risk of internal bleeding because your blood is too thin. and guess what? i began to bleed. yep. from just about everywhere but my ears. it took a minute for them to get me stable. they were too afraid to move me to icu, so they kept me in skilled nursing, which is a total misnomer!

juan and i talked and we are seriously thinking of checking the hell outta here. will keep you posted....

be well :)

did i ever tell you....?

that the week leading up to, and the day before my surgery was plain just crazy. we had just gotten home from atlanta, and i had to jump right into all the pre-op prep for surgery seven days later.

in addition to that, i had to get all things ladybug ready - school, girl scouts, hot lunch - plus, she'd missed whole first week and 2 days of school, then promptly got sick and missed the rest of the second week of school. so i had to deal with her being home along with my figuring out hwo to get to my medical appointments. don't forget! i also had to sort through all the homework, classwork, candy sale deadlines, PTA committees (i'm on 2, plus am the PTG Board Parliamentarian), oktoberfest committees, and i got a few clients in there somewhere. plus all the little stuff in between. whew.

so, that was from thursday 9/4 to wednesday 9/10. but see, wednesday was a mess all in itself.

got that morning all ready to conquer my list of things 'to do' (many of you know that i live by my list, and it's a running joke!) in order for me to be prepared to head off to surgery and beyond. so the anal december capricorn that i am was cruising along, right on time with getting ladybug off to school. 7:40am, heading out the door with time to spare (school is less than 3 minutes away if i catch all 3 stop lights - yes!). sitting in my T5 all ready to get my fix, i tell ladybut to buckle up and hand her the garage door opener (it's her 'thing'). then.... no, No, NO! my baby won't start!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

she cranks. but never catches. shit. i've got to get ladybug to school, then my 'to do' list. we unbuckle and head back inside. i call around and finally find someone to get her for me. one of my dear, dear 'big sis's' BOTW. she swoops in and saves the day! well, morning. now, what the hell is going on with my baby? i've got so much to do!

well, at some point in the day, i managed to call the dealership and gieco insurance for tow service (can i say how much i love gieco?!?) to get her towed in. what struck me though was that i actually began to cry as the tow guy (a cuttie too) began hooking her up. you all already know how much i love her, have a most unusual relationship with her.

i'm babbling on and on... it's the drugs, sorry. i'll cut to the chase.

that was the first big issue that opened the door. what drained me completely and left me spent was my truely beloved, beloved dog malik. later in the evening, again, after an incredibly crazy day, my first baby had a crisis. i haven't told any of you what the deal is with him, so here you go. he's a huge (188lbs) alaskan malamute that we've had for 13 years. he's the first dog juan and i got 'together', eventhough i had no say so. it was all his decision. his dog. well, somehow over the years, malik and i have developed this incredible bond (all you dog people/pet parents know what i'm talking about!!). no, i'm not the kind to let 'em kiss me in the mouth, or feed them from my fortk at the table. but i love him. he might be in the bed if he were'nt almost 200 pounds and so hairy and slobbery. since i've been sick, i fell that that bond has gotten even stronger. i'm in the house all day long and he's there with me to keep me company. to let me vent. laugh, cry. he's my partner. and i love him. and like ladybug, there are few words to truly describe how i feel about him.

earlier this year we discovered that he has some type of cancer in his abdomen. the vet said that we could take him up to uc davis for surgery, and at that point they'll know if he can be helped - given a few more years, of if we'll have to put him down - right then. i was beyond upset. i didin't understand. he was still quite spry, bouncing around with lots of energy, very playful. nothing like a 13 year old dog. i decided that we wouldn't do the surgery, that we'd take it one month at a time. that was in february of this year. in the last month he's lost the pep in his step. he drags one of his hind legs due to the tumor i guess. and in the last couple weeks, he's really not eating. only about less than a half of coup of dry food, and then i have to drown it in rice and broth or gravy. he's lost quite a bit of weight. i worried about him the whole time i was in atlanta.

so, fast forward to the day before my surgery..... i'm in the house working on one of my to do lists and i hear this awful, nails on a chalk board, yaowl. it was awful! malik has somehow missed the small step up too the grassy area of the kitchen patio, and got himself stuck against the porch step. i still don't know how it happened, or why he was stuck. but he was. he couln't get himself up and he was in terrible pain.

i rushed out to try to turn him, but the more i pushed and pulled, the more he yelped and yowled. oh my heart was breaking! i tried so hard to get him up, he still wieghed at least 130lbs. i ran upstairs and got my long beach towel and somehow got it up under him, and around his hind legs. i would pull and tell him 'up malik'. he tried, but them it got to a point where he had nothing to give me. oh my heart. i closed my eyes, said a prayer, and gave it all i had.

and it worked. i got him up, but he couldn't stay up. i fell. i got up, and got him up again, positioned him just so, but he still wasn't able to stand up. so he layed down, and i sat next to him, and cried. i cried my heart out. i cried for him, my car, ladybug, and for myself. i cried hard.

i whispered in his ear not to leave me. not yet. i asked him to wait for me. and he's hanging in there. i told juan what happened and he said, "well babe, it's probably about that time for him". i got angry. but he's right. juan is right. like my 12year old yellow lab did when i was 20 years old, i have been expecting malik to 'tell' me when he's ready. he's not in any pain. still happy camper attitude, although a bit hard because he gets stiff, he's still able to get around. but juan is right.

as they rolled me into the surgery room, i was saying my 'see you later's to my daddy and juan, and the second to the last thing i said to him was that he had better not do a damn thing to malik until i get out of the hospital. and that i didin't care if it required life support!!!!

i am happy to report that as of today, malik is doing just fine.

be well :)

update..

hello there!

yes, i'm still here. i'm a bit beat up, but am keeping on keeping on. this is my first access to laptop, and it feels funny. i haven't been able nor up to posting really.

so, here's the 4-1-1- ....


i'm not ready to go home :( so they've moved me over to the skilled nursing facility or "SNiF". the stubborn me say's hell yes, i'm ready to go home. emotinally. mentally. but i am really not ready to go home... physically. and i recognize this. so, i didn't put up a fight, believe it or not (Babz!). yes, i'm behaving. i'm in skilled nursing because i still am having medical issues, along with my other cadre of stuff, so it'm not just your regular ole hip replacement. there's more too it.

i had a few set backs with medication mixups (both over and under dosing), and blood work numbers not looking so good (had to have a blood transfusion), and finally juan just going off on everybody!

overall, i am doing well. truthfully, i am not feeling too hot, i hit a wall today and just had nothing to give. i couldn't even pretend. plus, and most importantly, i am missing my family - my baby - ladybug. she started crying on the phone last night and i almost lost it! i was able to talk her down though, and managed to avoid the waterworks tonight. i'm ready to go home everyone. but, enough being sad. i've got to get my bum in gear and start working tomorrow so i can come home!

thanks for listening. caring.


be well :)

i've always had a 'thing' for power tools! surgery anyone?

yeah, i know. it's been awhile and i just wish i had the time and energy to fill you in on all that has happened since i've come back from atlanta. but i can't. so i will give you 'just the facts, ma'am' as my guy joe friday would say....

well, the time has come. yep. gotta go get cut up in about 7 hours. i feel a bit better about it now, but the last few days have been hell. really.

it all began last week thursday when we got back from atlanta, and i had to begin all my pre-op stuff - labs, joint replacement classes, several rounds of pow wow's with all my various doctors to discuss my delicate situation. they kept talking about all the risks involved in my case particulary - neurological relapse, heart/lung issues all over again ( i won't go into detail because i just don't want to think about it anymore). then they say that the whole point of hip replacement surgery is to relieve pain and improve mobility. well, my mobility issues are not due to the fact that i, in essence, do not have a right hip, nor do i feel the excrutiating pain i'm supposed to be in because if my neuroligical issues.

so i got quite aggitated all of a sudden. "why am i taking all these significant risks to fix the pain in my hip that i don't feel?" plus there were anesthesia issues - do we put her 'out' or just in 'twilight'? well, they're gonna put me on the respirator to protect my lungs (part of a grand, well orchestrated plan mind you), so they felt i would fight it if i were in twighlight, where as my neuro issues could kick up again if they put me out. well what is a doctor to do?

i told them that they better figure all this crap out, and to beyond my satisfaction. needless to say, i was scared. and anxious.

i'm not so scared anymore, but i am still anxious.

so, that was thursday. yesterday the doc's met and worked it all out to my satisfaction. but i still had a day from hell. my baby, my T5 wouldn't start. i actually started to cry when she was loaded on the flatbed tower and taken away to the dealership. and my other baby, my dog malik, had a crisis and i boohooed after that. (he's 13 years old mind you, and has cancer too). i was all alone, and he fell and couldn't get up. now, he's normally almost 200lbs. but because he's sick, and now, i realize, is near the end, he's stopped eating and has lost alot of wieght. anyway, that's just a third of it all. it was a, excuse me, shitty day.

so now, i'm sitting here. with nervous energy. still not packed for the hospital. blogging. thinking about my ladybug really. my eyes are still burning. stinging from crying earlier. she's at my moms tonight because i have to go into the hospital so early, and will stay with her for a few days. so i packed her bags and took them up to my moms (she's just behind my house, practically across the street actually-don't you fuss about me driving babz!!).

i came in, chit chatted with mommy, then headed up to her room to kiss my baby. the love of my life. i found that i couldn't leave her. i sat there, staring at her. smelling her fresh bathed scent. memorizing her every feature. her fingers, the way they bend inward. how my thumb still fits perfectly in her hand. and how she still curls her hand, fingers around it. i listened to her breath. her heart beat. i kissed her fingers. her hands. i layed my face in her hand. i touched her face. her nose. lips. eyebrows. i love how her top lip is slightly pointy and wide. and how her bottom lip and so smooth and is an almost perfect long oval. how much she still looks like a baby. a baby. my baby.

oh, here come the tears. i found that i couldn't leave her. i cried. hard. i love her. and those 3 wonderful words don't come close, are not enough, to express how i feel about her... what i feel for her. i love her so much that i physically hurt to leave her. do you know what i mean? i prayed to god to move me.

i couldn't take it anymore. i stroked and caressed her face. yes. to wake her up. and she did. i needed to see her eyes and hear her voice. she looked up sweetly at me, not sure of what she was seeing, then realized it was me. she said "hi mommy". my heart lept, my breathing paused. i just told her "hi baby, mommy just wanted to kiss you goodnight". she asked me if i was still going to get my leg fixed tomorrow, there's somethign about the way she says tomorrow. she said ok, then asked me to scratch her back. bingo! few more minutes. then, it really was time for me to go. so i said "ok baby, mommy's got to go now...mommy loves you". and she said "i love you too mommy", in that way that makes my heart just sing!!!! PAYDAY!!! so, i said "no baby, mommy loves you more", and kissed her again.

so with that, a hung from my own mommy, and the tons of prayers and good wishes and support from the most wonderful, soulful spirits - friends, brothers, sisters, aunts, divas, and soulmates - i am armed and ready to go!!!!

let's do this.....



ps... i love you.

still in the ATL!

hi there!

we had to shoot up to south carolina for a wedding - hubby was the best man, and did a great job! i am still so impressed and proud of him for the speech/toast he made! and i need not tell you how handsome, no, fine, he looked in his tux! it was the last of his 'playboy/fratboy' friends. a freind whom i really like. during the first year of our marriage, i was so ready to divorce him. i said 'hey, i'm catholic, we can get this badboy annulled, and i can pack you up and send you home to your mamma!" it was ugly. but his 'boy' talked to him, showed him the error of his ways, and helped him, reminded him, just what an angel he had, and just how lucky and blessed he was to have someone like me in his life. ahhh, but i digress. ;)

it really was wonderful to see him so very happy. and i am so very happy, and excited for him. and them. may god bless them.

with all the running around we did, supposedly - i don't think we did - i somehow missed a few doeses of my medications. in particular, my siezure meds. so guess what? i had a few siezures. am still having them actually. i began feeling funky on last thursday. well, i never actually recovered from the flight.

i'm really pissy about this developement because 1) i haven't been able to do anything that I'VE wanted to do/go/see. as of today, i haven't seen any of my freinds either, including someone that i've met in the blogworld that i really want to meet (so sorry dowg :(... i'm PISSY. well, i can't be too pissy, because i have been able to see my cousin/brother, whom i ADORE! but still. i haven't made it to the AUC campus to see my old scools (CAU and Spelman), nor have i been to my old neighborhood in midtown, or any of my old hangouts.

yeah, i know.... wah, wah, wah. it's just that it's been at least 2 and a half years since i've been to my second home, and been able to see all my friends.

so, hubby has me here at my s-i-l's (where we always stay when we come to town) in the brookhaven neighborhood, marinating. i call it being on lockdown. the good thing is that i will get to see two of my closest friends - 'cedmo' and "macD" - and their families. they're going to come to me since i'm gimpin around. YAY!!

now i just have to figure out how to help ladybug get over the fact she can't go swimming today, lol!

be well!!

ps.... stay tunned for pic's!