i'm still here!!!

i know, i know..... i've been neglecting the blog. i've just been a bit distracted. you know the saying.. "when it rains, it pours". my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind this last week and a half or so, or at least that's how i've been feeling. and the dust is just starting to settle. i just needed to take a little brake from the computer too.... i spend way too much time on it, lol!!!

well, i start chemo (again) on june 5th. it's a bit wierd because i've never had this much time before chemo to stew about it. usually i only have a day or two because they'd found something funky with my labs or other tests and, wooosh! off i went to go get "hookt up" to my poison. :) geeez!! my eyebrows were finally getting to where i can shape them and be all sexy! lol!!

they pushed it back because they found some abnormalities with my bones. so no, i wasn't done with tests and exams. i had to go see an orthopedic surgeon specialist and got tons of bone scans, more mri's and cat/pet scans. adn the verdict is....... (big sigh..) my bone is dying in various places (including my hip) and the marrow is not producing sufficient blood supply. i forget what the actual term is for it. actually, i think the orthopod said that there's not one single term for what's going on, other than necrosis (bone death due to lack of blood supply). the big thing is my hip. there literally is a hole in the ball part of the joint socket almost down to the femoral neck, most of the femoral head is gone.

they say i have no choice... total hip replacememt surgery. which is risky for me because of all of my issues - i blood clotting issues because of my platelets; i don't heal very well and am extremely susceptable to infection due to my immune system; the bone may not grow back like it's supposed to because of my blood supply issues (vasculitis), hmm... let's see, is that it?!?!

they really don't know what they're gonna do, nor how they're gonna do it. (another big sigh...)

i am just a bit overwhelmed here. i haven't given the whole story because i know i'm missing something... but, what i've said so far is more than enough for you to get the picture.

i don't want to have surgery. especially this type. i already have mobility issues. cane. walker. wheelchair. falling. muscle atrophy. pain. the inability to use my right leg. (which is the hip that needs replacing). wah, wah, wah.

i am sad right now. but i'll get over it. i always do.

thisis just so much. i sometimes feel too much. but i handle it. juan handles it. ladybug handles it, because we handle it. and we handle it well. but, we still need help with how we deal with all this. especially juan.

he's angry, of course, and could use some help dealing with the anger. i hate seeing him watching me in pain and dealing with all this. eventhough i really want to wrap my cane around his neck, he is just so good. i feel bad that he (and ladybug) has to go through this.

well, i'm rambling on with no thesis or outline. sorry. i just am so.... heavy right now. but, that will change, it always does. all i have to do is think of all the wonderful blessings, and people in my life....

cc, d, shan, my brother/cousin fdj, sony, myk, botw, betty j, glo, babz, jules. jamba juice. food. then there's the nurses (my partners in crime!), lab tech's. along with so many passer's by and other's i can go on and on that i just can't name them all. i thank them.

be well :)

picture catch up!

it's been a quiet week really. i've had, hopefully, the last round of mri's, pet and cat scans for now. that, along with my accupuncture, were the only things i did this week. still no word yet on when i'll start chemo again. yay!! more time!!

ladybug, juan, and my mom are out at ladybug's track meet today, so i'm having a wonderfully quiet day at home. yes!! i'm gonna go finish making my mom's day cards. if i can ever get off all the beautiful cardmaking sites!! that's my problem.... i get up nice and early and say "ok, i'm gonna do all these cards and scrapbook pages, but i'm gonna just take a quick peek at so and so's site to get some ideas...". next thing you know, it's dinner time!!

anyway, here are some pics i've been meaning to post. i don't know how to caption them yet, so i don't know what order they'll post... so, the one with ladybug and juan all dressed up is at the father daughter dance in february; the one of ladybut and i are at the class valentines day party; then that's one of lb heading off to school one day; and of my first 'baby'.. my 180lb lap dog!! he's such a sweetie!! ; then of lb and her daddy taking a nap. enjoy!!

be well :)

my baby ran!

we've switched ladybug to a new track club that's much closer to home. now this club is a true club. they travel all over the place, even out of state, and have sent a few kids to the jr. olympics. they're professional and very organized. the only thing is that they practice 3x a week from 5:30pm to 7pm.

yes, this poses a problem because ladybug's usually bathed, fed and in the bed by 7:30. we're having a real rough time with her schedule right now, because she's out of school at 3pm, we rush home to get homework done, then a lite dinner (no running on a full stomach). but she's still hungry when she gets home, plus we have to get her bath. one night last week, we didn't get her fed before practice, so when she got home, i cooked her dinner, then fed her while she was in teh tub!! she was loving that!! we're gonna hang on til school gets out. it should get much easier by then.

so, ladybug had a two day track meet this weekend about an hour away from our house, and we had to be there at 7am. uhhg!

anyway, she came in second in the 100meter, and, poor baby, ran the wrong way in the 4x100, relay.

no problem. she was just fine about it. why? because whe was getting the attention!

i'll post pic's later when i can get them from proud pappa! well, back to making mommy's day cards!

be well :)

ode to juan

i'm sure most of you have seen the posts where i talk about just how much i love my hubby, and what he means to me. and, how much i want to take my cane and wrap it around his neck! call the divorce attorney, pack all his crap up and set fire too it, then sell the rest (ala "waiting to exhale"), then pack him up and send him home to his mommy! lol!! and, well, i'm more than a notion (it's the 'bishop' in me!) , so i KNOW there are more than a few times where he's wanted to take my cane and to the same thing! lol!!! i hear that most married folk have those same moments too. heck, it's marriage, right?

well, yet again, this man continues to amaze me.

i had an obgyn appointment yesterday, and found out that i was not supposed to have been on birth control pills all this time that i've been sick because, with the diseases that i have, particularly the vasculitis and pulmonary fibrosis, they increase the development of blod clots, which i "throw" often (!!). not a good thing! so with that said, and after my obgyn got over that shock, we quickly decided that i must have an iud. and, because of my medical history, he said i should have the 'mirena'. we had ladybug with us, and he was up front in the waiting area with her. i wanted juan to know what was going on, so they went and got him to explain everything.

well, love of all love. didn't want to leave me, eventhough it was a very minor, in office procedure. love of all love, this man stood there in the exam room with me, held one of my legs, held my hand, all while the doctor did the procedure.

TMI i know. but, do you get, at least a little bit, just how this man is? what man do you know that would do that? let alone accompany they're woman to an annual gyn checkup? right, very few!

how wonderful is this man? i just can't tell you. because there are no words. just the feeling. he does stuff that i know most men would not do. and he does them with a smile on his face, and usually a smart ass remark to go with it.

what makes it so hard and frustrating for me is that he absolutely refuses to let me do things for him. goes out of his way even, to keep me, and my family, from doing things for him. in honor of him. how do i explain to him that it's something i have to do? that it's what people who love, treasure, respect, adore each other do. and it's simple things like fixing his plate. he's always been like that really. it's funny too. there are times when we're tripping over each other to take care of one another. because we love each other deeply.

this man love me. he loves me in a way that fills me completely. no, he's not a man of many words. yes, can be socially akward at times. has some big communication issues. his'ocd' non-cleaning cleaning addicition drives me crazy. and i swear, sometimes i think he speaking japanese, and he'd say that i'm speaking swahili. but he loves me. loves me so completely that those things don't matter..... most of the time.

and i love him. god, i love him.

be well :)

a special day and i did it again

like i said in my last post, this is a special week. and today is the birthday of the second (no pun intended! you know what i mean you know who!) special person. so i give a special bday shout out to my sister and friend. i love you!!

and i did it again! all week and no posts since monday. uuhhgg. i have no excuse. i have a confession to make, which i think i've made here before.... i'm addicted to surfing scrapbooking/cardmaking blogs! i mean seriously! i tell myself that i'm gonna log on, check just a few blogs, just to get a few ideas, and bam!! next thing i know, it's 3pm and time for ladybug to come home from school... no projects completed, let alone started! i have such guilt about it too! well, at least i've got a few projects done - a couple of bday cards, an actual 'set' of cards as a gift, and some party favors a nieghbor is paying me for.

oh well.

no new's on my chemotherapy schedule yet. i have to get my mri and cat scan done first, which are scheduled for wednesday. looks like it'll be te second week of may, after mom's day. so i've got a about a week to get a few other scrapping projects done.

oh well... off to post a poem and then work on some cards.

be well :)

this is a good week

two women whom have become very important and special to me are celebrating their birthdays this week. i am so happy for them, but secretly, selfishly, just a little bummed for me. why? because i can't see them, celebrate with them. well, in the way that i want to. yep, selfish.

it's just that i love them. i want to look into their eyes, touch them, their face, hug them. sit in their presence and let them know, in their presence, just how much they mean to me. how, in such a short time, they've touched me, bleseed my life really. i want them to know how much they've made me think, see things in different and better ways, laugh. ohh the laughter they've given me.

most importantly, they've given me some of themselves. and i feel that it's because they care and love me. ahhh, here come the tears.

so you see, i want to at least try to give back to them at least a little bit of what they've given me.

tomorrow is glo's birthday, and friday is babz day. i love you two!!

be well :)

health related this and that...

has it been a week since i've posted last? and what a week it's been. the back and the forth. all the follow up tests, in addition to my regular stuff (accupuncture, physical, occupational, speach therapy, plus an emergency dental appointment thrown in the mix). i always say i'm tired, or exhausted. but i really am. all i've been able to do when i'd get home was/is crawl up in the corner of my big comfy blue sofa with my heating pad and just close my eyes. the phone rang. the cell vibrated. ups/fedex knocked. the laptop just stared.

after my quarterly medical workup, i had to have a bunch of follow up tests like i said, and am still not finished - one more mri and a cat scan for good measure. during the workup, they've found some "unusual activity" in a few of my bones. hmmm, a few new lesions on the brain. a bit more scaring in the lungs. bottom line.... more chemotherapy. probably starting next week.

but no time for all that shit. the sun is out and it is just a glorious day!! really. blue water, the kind of northern california day that only us natives understand and know how to appreciate. na, na, na!!

my dad is on his way to pick up my ladybug and spend the day out on the bay... a ferry ride to the city. that means some quality time with hubby (ie... good lovin!) ha, ha, ha!! i'm going to go enjoy this magnificent day!


be well!