shan day!!

hey, hey, hey ... i had a shan day!!

we had a girls date night. dinner, several drinks (yes!), then a movie - sex and the city. it was great. it was a mix of bday and just plain hanging out. and it was a really good time. with my shan.

i've known shan for a long while now. since i don't kow when though really. i just know she was still in high school i think. i was already back in atlanta, or in new york. our moms work together are decent friends. in these last several years or so, shan has become so very important to me. even more than 'like' a little sister. the thing is, is that i don't know when. but i know how. we've become close because she has such a warm, caring, genuine, selfless way about her. you know, all those words. but she is those words. the meaning of those words. and is so humble and matter a fact about it. because she is those words. i love her.

shan has a way of keeping up with me. we'll have these 'check ins' every few weeks or so. and when i'm under the weather, or getting ansy and climbing the walls (she has a keen sense about that with me!), she'll come rescue me and off we go, to the starbucks down the street for chit chat and great company. and we talk about all sorts of stuff. she's such a great listener.

i love her. truly. deeply. and i respect and admire her. and her courage. especially now. she's going through a rough patch right now and has had to make some tough decisions. ones that i'm certain many of us couldn't make. there's somehing about her. really. very special. and i love her.

you see, i am just so blessed. blessed with wonderful people in my life like my shan. and i do hope and wish that you all are blessed to have someone in your life like my shan.

i love you shan :)

checking in part 2

hey there!

i hope all is well with you and yours. i've had a busy week. it was ladybugs second week of summer vacation, and she began tutoring with her first grade teachers assistant, whom she loves, and swiming lessons at the Y. she loves that too. anything that has to do with the water really. she loves taking bathes.

anyway, on monday, just after her tutor arrived, i go so sick that i had to be rushed to the emergency room by my mom. thank god for my nieghbor. he was right there with me on the floor, flushing the toilet, keeping the towel wet. oh god i was sick. and worried because my baby was upstairs with her tutor. juan couldn't get back home in time, and my mom had just left her house, so she came back and got me. he carried me out to the car. it we pretty dramatic. i just kept thinking of ladybug. i was praying she couldn't/didn't hear all the commotion going on. and of mom. how much of a narcissist was she going to be on this trip, and if i'd have to cuss her out.

so they released me much later that day, and yes, mom was still mom. i got to feeling better later in the week and went off on my all my pre chemo tests and stuff. i had quite a bit to do it felt, for it to be a chemo week. too much really. yet i made it through. i even bought her a little miniature blow up swim pool too.

here are a few pic's of ladybug on her first day of swim lessons.

be well :)

a very late, but happy daddy's day

so, first, let me give a very, late, but very warmly felt, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY wish to all those wonderful present daddy's out there.

i want so badly to talk about all the good and great things he does and has done. how much i love him. admire him. and of course... how good looking he is. but i can't right now, because i'm feeling under the weather, same 'ole song. but you all know i treated him right. and i'll just leave you with a few visuals.....

be well :)

checking in

hey there! all is well in my little valley. been a bit hectic though. chemo was, well, you know... chemo. and i'm up and ready for the last two coming this thursday and friday. so what's been happing with me lately? well...

let's see, most of last week is a big blur - really. now i do remember that my little jackie joyner-kersee/flo jo/althea gibson, bka ladybug, had a two day track meet last friday and saturday in tulare, ca which is very near fresno, about 4 hours away. HOT as HELL! it's in the california valley - all farmland. we loaded up the T5 (so sexy!) with teh lawn chairs, snacks, drinks and other misc. sutff the the two day adventure.

now, in the course of this trip, juan came oh so very close to getting my cane wrapped around his neck. i know i've talked a bit about how crazy he can be, and subsiquintly, how crazy he could (notice.. past tenst) make me. but i know know if i've talked about the fact that i've come to the realization that, in addition to his ocd/anxiety issues, he's got some real passive aggressive stuff going on too. fun. i'll leave this topic to another post. promise.

so, back to the cane getting wraped around the neck... like i was saying, he was ocd'ing while gettign ready to leave and i was starting to get sick because of it, so i thought seriously for a moment about not going, which i think that that's what he wanted. lol :) but no, i had missed her last out of town meet because that was chemo weekend, and she made it very clear that i was to be there... by her highness' command. so i grit my teeth, put my cane out of reach, and bared it.

my girl did fantastic!! she placed 2nd in the 200m, 3rd or fourth in the 400m, which is the first time she ran that event and in 105 degree heat! and then 3rd in the 100m. no 4x100 relay. i am so proud of her because this is her first organized anything, the pracices are a bit much for her age (3xweek til 7pm - she's normally in the bed by 7:30), and she's running against 7 and 8 year olds. so she's smaller and younger! go baby!!!

now, what else have i been up to? oh yeah, took a trip to the emergency room yesterday... and all is well. i had a bout with severe vomiting. just another hurdle, and i'm over it (wink, wink*). so now i'm just hanging out til round 3 and 4 on thursday/friday.

what did i do for father's day? stay tuned......

be well :)

day two... still smiling

i forgot i took this pic myself on my phone. day two was rougher, but i was still smiling because of all of your good thoughts, wishes, prayers. love.

be well :)

end of day two

well, i'm halfway there. yay!!! the seconday, which is the drug cytoxan, is always hard for me, but i'm done for now. and the sun is still shinning. it's a beautiful day today.

i actually have a great time. as great of a time as you can when getting chemo. the staff is just fantastic. i mean really. a great group of nurses who've been with me since almost the beginning. they make me feel so good (and no, it's just because of the good drugs, lol!), and take such great care of me that it's hard to feel bad when i'm there. plus, the other patients are great too! many of them are may truly be on their last leg, some of them are very elderly. i think i'm part of the youngest in the group, at least on the days i've gone.

we talk, share stories and experiences, compare different medications, different treatments and medical trials, battle scares, and laugh. oh god do we laugh! it's actually fun, in between the getting up every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, and the pain, and the blood pressure checks. just about everyone there that i've had the pleasure to come across, and know, is fighting in some form or fashion for their life. so when we get together, there's no sadness, no talk of death. it's not a depressing sight - a room full of chemotherapy patients. we are all there, in some form or fashion, fighting for our lives, and we all know that. so there's no reason, no time, no need for sadness.

so yes, we actually, usually, have a good time. it's so encouraging, so strengthening, so inspiring about it.seeing other's in their struggle. there's usually at least one person there "sicker" than me, and is so joyful, full of life! and these are the only reasons why i look forward to chemo. the nurses, the patients. and i love them. these are some of the reasons why i get through it.

i don't always like to talk about going through chemo. as i've told you just know, the start of it isn't bad at all. but for me, chemo is all that they say, or you think it is. awful. just awful. and then worse still worse than that. and i hate it. but, like i've said before, i also love it. because it keeps me alive in a way. and it awfulness passes. it always does. and i always get through it. so there it is.

a member of the hospital chaplaincy staff came by to chat, and i really didn't feel like it at that moment, the cytoxan was really staring to kick in. but i spoke with him anyway. that's me (and it's something that drives juan crazy about me-he doesn't understand why i do that). we talked about many things, but what struck me was when he said that he sees that i don't give in to my suffering enough as i should, that my suffering is blessing and that it's ok to dwell on it, that it's a calling on my heart, my spirit, to bless and be blessed. and it brings me closer to god. i say that struck me hard. i'm still chewing on it actually, and probably will be for a minute. because he's right in that no, i don't dwell on, in, my suffering much at all really. i guess i see it as a bad thing in a way, and, well, it scares me told him. it scares me to think about how bad it really is. and i don't have time for that. he said something like fear is at the heart of a good fight. baamm! struck again. i think i get what he's saying basically. but help me with this if you can.

so there, once again, blessings. blessings all around me. no, i can't be mad at my situation for long. because i am just so blessed. how can i stand it?

well, here are some pic's of day one. i was feeling too yucky today to be bothered. the group pick is of me and all the nurses, but there's one missing.. harjinder. i love her so much too. like a mama in a way. she has a way of looking into you and seeing your pain and suffering, then gently touching you so it eases or goes away. laying hands she does. then there's one of me and my daddy, he's so faithful. he's there everyday and get's a bit of attention too - isn't he fine!! then of me getting my 'feel good juice', checking my port, there's the pump 'pushing' the iv's at 400, which is fast too me because it has me going to the bathroom every 20 minutes! lol!!

i will go rest now, give me a few days, however, i've got some new pic's of cards to post on my inkyfingers site... i'll do that latter, lol!!! i'm in very good spirits :)

be well :)

one down, three to go...

wow..... wow, wow, wow.

i am so very overwhelmed, awed, greatful, humbled, and blessed by your words. your sweet words. your words have encouraged me. uplifted me. prepared me and shielded me. they came/come at a time when i so very needed them

oh how i want to go on now to explain what you all have done for me this time, but, i am so very exhausted. i mean the kind of exhaustion where you are dilerious. for those of you who've had babies... do you remember that exhaustion where you felt like you were to tired to even breathe? right. plus i'm sitting here nodding off as i try to type.

so as juan comes over and sits down to 'stare' at me so i'll get his point, i'll wind down and post the rest tmrw.

I THANK YOU ALL SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH. I FEEL YOUR PRAYERS HOLDING ME, LIFTING ME, ENCOURAGING ME. I FEEL ALL OF YOU GENTLE WILLFUL LOVE AND HOPE AND DETERMINATION FOR ME. and i draw from this, because this is how i've gotten through. this is how i WILL get through.

*** LOL!! i nodded off!! ok, i've got to sign off now.. i'll check in later, maybe tomorrow before my chemo funk sets in, lol.

I LOVE YOU ALL !!!

be well :)