ladybugs birthday is today!

six years ago today god blessed me with my dearest, sweetest ladybug. today is lauren camille's birthday. she is now six. wow!

we did nothing fancy - no shin dig, no ton's of kids, balloons, activities, goodie bags (yes!). i made some cakes and bookmarks for the kids in her class, mom and pop went with me to her class, we sang happy birthday passed out the "goodie bags", then went home. but she is coming down with a cold. she's miserable. but i also made her her own cute little 2 layer mini cake. creamy french vanilla buttercream icing with pink, purple, yellow, and orange fondant daisy's. cute!

but i'm feeling funny about this though. she's getting older, growing up. it's amazing how fast babies grow and change. mindblowing really. and scary. she's really becoming her own person. an individual. seperate and distinct from me, yet i'm responsible for her. six years is just a little 'ole a finger snap in the big scheme of things. it's nothing, no biggie. but yet it's so big.

big to a newly minted six year old and her mommy.

be well :)

it's good to be me

hey there!

i love my life. and especially the peope in it, as well as those passing through. i've always had a knack for never meeting a stranger, and (fortunately, they've never been crazy, lol!) lately there's been some really neat ladies droping in my life right now, and one of them, like cc and a few other's, shares my new love of scrapbooking and papercrafting. they seem so interesting, you know everyone has a story, and i so look forward to getting to know them better!

on thanksgiving eve, i spent the afternoon/evening with my bestest sister friend d doing one of my most favorite things - cooking. we prepped everything she needed for her turkey day feast while we laughed, gossiped, preached, and amen'd the whole time. it was just so wonderful! it always is with her. she knows me. really know's me. and calls me on my 'stuff' (what little i have, lol!) is such a way that is tender and comforting, yet firm, honest, and real. we talk about everything, and i mean everything. *yep,start blushing*

then there's shan who's, to me, like a little sister and has always been there for me in so many ways since i've been sick. she's selfless and considerate and always so thoughtful. she's taught me so much really. how to be humble, that there's blessings in recieving. ll cool k and bow and cc are very much the same way too. it's so humbling to me. with as much self esteem and self assuredness as i have and as nice as i think i am, i still stop and wonder how i got so lucky.

juan says i'm just getting back all that i have given, and still give. well, i can't imagine that i've been this good in this life.

thank you all for being my friends :)

the word "thankful"

the great american holiday known as thanks giving is upon us and i am thankful. so truly. thankful. i am alive today.

just before i started this post, in my comfy and quiet living room, i closed my eyes. stilled myself. then i just listened to myself breathe. breathe. in and out. i'm alive. it's great.

giving thanks.

since i've been sick, i've become more focused on living and the things/people/experiences in my life i have to be so very thankful, grateful, for.

so on this great american holiday, i am thankful. and i will give thanks. for so very, very much.

be well :)

party rediculousness

what's with kiddie birthday parties these days?!?! i've been trying to plan lauren's b-day party since early september. well, to no avail. nothing is available. i've called everyplace that would be appropriate for a soon to be six year old from san leandro to fairfield to marin county. what i really wanted to have it at our little community center were the rental fee was minimum, but they get you on on a bunch of others "fees" because it's a kiddie party to the tune of $375. and that's just to rent the place. add on the cost of the actual part itself.

i just don't get it. really. lauren's party last year was at a place called pump it up, they have locations all over the bay area, we chose oakland. it's a really neat concept where the kids junp around for 2 hours on several large blow up junpers, wear themselves out, then have over priced pizza and soda (nothing healthy) that you can only purchase from them, sing happy bday, go home and fall out!! the total for that was $580!!! and we didn't get goodie bags (at $3.75 a pop!).

well, they and all their other locations were booked this time around, so i tried every where else that i and everyone else i know and emailed could think of. nothing. unless i want to mortgage my house to pay the minimum of $450 to have a party somewhere. but then juan came up with the brilliant idea of having her party at the neighborhood bowling alley. SCORE!!

but noooo...... they want $450.00!!! what the .. it's BOWLING!!! what is this foolishness and mayhem?!?!?

i mean, i do get the convenience factor - no clean up, you pretty much just show up then go home. that is nice. it was nice last year. but $600 for that convenience? that, i don't get.

be well :)

killing me softly

since i've been sick, i sometimes feel like the people closest to me are trying to kill me, softly. no really. i know that sounds extreme, and for the most part they're not aware of it, so maybe the word "trying" isn't the right one to use here. but you get my drift, yes?

so who, might you ask? mom, pops, and juan. yep. them. mom, she's the obvious choice of course because her shit is a bit more sinister(see previous posts). but pop and juan aren't openly sinister, however they do know that they're buggin the hell out of me! they do things like dump they're stuff on me to fix or clean up or just plain take care of. and everything is a damn emergency! help, help, save me, save me, fix it, fix it!!

uuuuggggg!!!!


but it's not all their fault. you see, i've always been the one to fix or take care of everything for everyone. and be the peacemaker in the family. i gladly did it. because i was trained to since i was a little girl. the socicalization of a woman, i guess that's what you'd call it. i call it programming me to be a caretaker. a nurturer. teaching me how to put off my feelings, opinions, emotions for the greater good. it really was more important to care more about the other person and their needs, interests, etc. (it also didn't help to have a mom like mine! children were seen, not heard, not important). and over the years i had gotten pretty good at it. i even developed a phenomenal memory fairly young. to the point where everyone else depended on it too. people around me didn't have to think or remember because i'd do it for them (oh the irony! see previous 'health rant' posts). i became pretty damn good at figuring things out too, talking to people, just a plain smart cookie as everyone says - thank you God for that/this blessing. but yet a curse as well. most of my life has been about being pulled here, there -"angela knows... she'll handle it... ang will remember... she's the smart one... but you know how to say things.. how to talk to people, can you go talk to them for me." this shit can wear on a person. and it did. it's made me sick.

now i'm not saying my family's to blame for my health. i had allowed it, and even for a while after my diagnosis. but that was before some serious prayer and introspecion helped me realize that I had to stop all the madness. yes, everyone was selfishly pulling on me, but i had allowed it.

you teach people how to treat you.

i know i'm rambling, but bear with me, ok?.... so fast forward to last night:

pops called me on full blast, not mad at me, but hollering about some reports and spreadsheets at the office that i had our admin working on, that had nothing to do with him and what he had going on. so he kept aksing me rediculous questions about them, and absolutely would not let me answer. i couldn't get a word in at all. so i began to get that feeling i used to get when i was a little girl just trying to explain something to my dad and he wouldn't listen making me feel so very unimportant and even dumb sometimes. not a good feeling, let me tell you! so since my health flares are triggered by stress/stressfull situations and things, i snapped out of it, and told him to knock it off, that he will not talk to me that way, and if he really wanted to know what was going on, then he needed to calmn down and shut the hell up. well, i didn't actually say shut the hell up, but you know.... i wanted to so badly! he's still my dad and i don't roll like that, no matter what!

again, he wasn't mad at me at all, it was just his usual "help, i'm stressed, so fix it", or in this case "i'm stressed and i need to vent and dump on you". well no, not amymore. i can't afford it. my life is at stake. i love my family, but i will not let them kill me.

be well :)

i like this kind of messiness

this is nothing earth shattering. no major revelations. just another admission.

ok, i admit it. one of my secret addictions is of abc's "the view" tv show and it's segment called "hot topics". you know the show and are probably just as crazy about it as i am too. i just love it! why? well, it's like when i was back in junior high or high school, eavesdropping on some girls you admire, look up to, or are envious of (in a good way) while they're sitting around gossiping about everyone and everything else. it's a group of fairly diverse women - whoopi goldberg who's kissing sixty and sexuality is questionable, 2 other left leaning comedianne's/actresses not known until this show (one is white/italian american and over 50, the other is a black "sister from around the way" in her mid to late 30's), and a cute and blonde little non survivor from the reality tv show "survivor" who's mid 20-ish and adamantly/blindly right wing-ish, then old, corny-ish, must hold on to some shred of repect and dignity barbara walters. they sit around a big table with an audiance discussing the "hot topics" of the day. it gets pretty heated at times and i love it.

the 'girls' go back and forth sharing their 'views' and opinions on various topics, injecting humor (3 comedians in the bunch), candor, and quite a bit of plain silliness.

i always hold my breath when its a day that barbara walters is on because she's such a highly respected news women with an illustrous career, and she sits at the table with the other women cussin and gossipin too, right along with them. i can't believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth sometimes - barbara walters said that!! what!! it's like a train wreck sometimes. here's this majorly respected newswoman trying her best not to be too controversial on some of the most stupidest, inane, controversial and non people and issues of the day from politics to hollywood stars to sex to the real estate market. can you imagine barbara walters discussing a sweating virgina?!?! but i really love it! and after "hot topics" is over, i turn the channel. that's it. that's all i want to see. a group of fairly diverse women being gossipy and catty on tv.

that's it. that's all.... for now!

be well :)

oh what a feeling!

yes, yes. i did it. i cooked. i cooked a whole meal. the kind that i used to be known for. a wonderful (i will say so myself!) sunday dinner with all the fixin's: chuck roast studded and infused with garlic gloves, rosemary, thyme and onions. then a little chicken broth and, my secret - a little teriyaki sauce, cooked low and slow (that way the collegen in the meat breaks down completely and renders a most perfect and tender chunk of meat). uuhhhh, the sight of my dutch oven, sturdy and sure of itself. waiting for me to do my thing. knowing. its's my joy.

so i added carrots, onions, and baby squash to the pot about halfway through. then, my "quick" creamed potatoes au gratin and some cabbage. the sounds (sizzle, sizzle, cling, clang), the smells.....just lovely!! the feel of my knives, tongs, ceramic peeler. heaven i tell you!

oh but it was already good before it got better! i'm the type that likes, and usually has an orderly pantry - everything in its place and maped in my mind. where every can (I even used to know how many before hte disease moved to my brain) of soup, tomatoe paste, and worcestershire sauce, or spice was or should be. i could be in the tub and juan yells upstairs to ask where's the paprika - "which one?" i would say, "sweet, smoked or regular?" tha'ts how well i knew my pantry. well, since my health took a turn last year i haven't been able to one of my most favorite things - grocery shop or cook (see previous posts). so juan's been doing the lion's share of the grocery shopping and cooking, so needless to say, my cabinets and pantries were an unholy mess .... until yesterday. yes, yesterday. what a glorious day. it was the day i cleaned out and reorganized my cabinets and pantries!!!!! O M G!! WHAT A FEELING!!

you just don't know what doing that meant/means to me. and i don't know how to explain the feeling i had while doing it, and how i feel now, when i look into my pantry and cabinets. i almost cried, but i thought better of it. just a little too dramatic, yes? after a bit of thought on this, i think it means me gaining some kind of control. control in an area that was truly mine, control that i had lost. symbolism in a way i guess, of how these diseases and all that i've gone through (and still am) have taken from me. that cleaning and organizing my pantry means this much too me. don't get me wrong. i was always anal about the pantry anyway. no big. but it means even more now. ya dig?

well, i just had to report on this. i would go into much more detail, but i am so very pooped. you have know idea what all that has taken out of me. bugger.

be well :)

ode to ladybug

i love ladybug. she's my 5 year old daughter, lauren camille. i love her. no, I. LOVE. HER. no still. that's not enough. these words aren't enough. hmm ... i just looked up a ton of synonyms for love: adoration, tenderness, affection, devotion, on and on.... still not enough. not enough to truly capture and express what i feel for her, about her.

she makes me feel so many other things as well, that all seems to me to be related to the love, adoration, i have for her : frustration, passion, fear, confusion, anger, giuddiness, the need to protect and guard her with my life.

i find that all i want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her. smell her, well.... not smell her all the time, she's 5 after all. i love her nose, the way she pouches out her lips. the sounds she makes, hearing her make up a song about birds. watching her play by herself. i love the way she says "mommy", especially when she's up to no dowgone good. watching her sleep. especially that. how many of you check on your kids in the middle of the night while they're sleep? i do. i will wake up in and creep into her room and listen for her breathing, a light snore if she's had a full day. if i can't hear her, then i creep closer, carefully, not to wake her up. and touch her, to make sure, you know? yeah, you do.

she, for me, is pure joy.

you know what else? i love hearing her heart beat. and the fact that she's missing her two front teeth just cracks me up!! she does this thing where she sucks her bottom lip with a vengence, and juan and i are constantly telling her to stop. it makes this funky noise when she does it. and she does it in her sleep too. the suction is so amazingly strong. when she sleeps, juan and i try to pull her bottom lip out, no way!! well, we figured that when she lost her two front teeth, then that would be the end of that for, a while anyway. nope! we were at zachery's pizza (my favorite!) friday and it was all i could do watch her struggle to eat her pizza.... nothing but comedy! and she has two more teeth coming out. i don't know how we're going to feed her if she looses any more - soup? lol!

now, back to this obsession with my daughter. it's a love (of her for sure!), yes, and a gentle hate as well, but not of her. of the motherhood thing. you see, i struggle with how to be me, stay me, and be her mommy too. i realized not long after her first birthday that i will have to become a new woman in a way. combine the 'old me' along with lauren's mommy, to make a new me. i had to figure out what that meant. who would that person be. and how do i do that?

i'm still working on it, but have made some headway,reached an understanding, a compromise. it's always a compromise for us women, doesn't it seem? more on that heady subject in a later post.

i really didin't want to loose the me that i had become before i got pregnant. i was in love with that me. still am really. mid thirties at the time, feeling like i was finally getting the hang of this thing called life, where i fit in to it. great job, movin and shakin. the other (brilliant!) half of an upwardly mobile and damn handsome couple. oh yeah, and great sex too (yes, i like, well, love sex - see previous posts). then, "what do you mean i'm pregnant?!?" happens.

so anyway, there are the days, times when i just don't want to be a mommy. at all. i want to be me. just "ang" (as i like to be called). none of the responsibilities, the day to day billion little things you have to be about, think about, that go along with being a mom. but then, i hear her call me, in that way that she does... "mommy". aahhhh. quckly, quickly, falling back in love..with her....

but i was never out. i just want to press the pause button from time to time. jump out of mommydom for a little while. be ang for a minute, or several. no mommy stuff. just.... me.

well, you got me. my confession. will i feel the same way when she's 11, 13, 15 years old? i don't know (my best friend "d" has a soon to be 18 year old and i think it's not too bad?!). but for now, i'm in a total, complete, and all consuming love for my daughter. my joy. my ladybug. mmmmm.


** confession is good for the soul - even in the middle of my ode, i have already played at least 8 rounds of computer solitaire. i may need some help, huh?? **

be well :)

i must cook soon!!!

ok, my passion, hobbie, obsession, whatever, is cooking (and eating too, ha!) and i must do it soon or i'm gonna flip! i haven't been able to cook, or visit whole foods in sooo long that i could cry. really. i'm not allowed to drive because of my seizures, ergo, not able to get to one of my favorite stores. have i told you just how much i love that place?!?!?! more on that later.... i've got to hurry!

anyway, so i sit here watching food network, america's test kitchen, day after day, dreaming, yearning to go to my kitchen and pick up one of my beautiful all clad sauciers and cook somethng. anything! it's brushed stainless steel, so sexy, calling me...

since i've been really sick this last year, juan has been doing the grocery shopping, and most of the cooking, bless his dark little heart! but. it's just not the same. as good as he can be, when he wants to be, he's still a man (and all that that means), and is just not as crazy about food and cooking as i am. now, he tries. really hard too.

** confession is good for the soul --- i lost track of what i was saying because i was compelled to play a few rounds of computer solitaire. how many companies are loosing productivity hours due to this horrible addiction??!!**

so like i was saying...
plus, you know how it is when you go to the grocery store!! yes, you have a list (i'm anal and stick to it pretty closely), but you see something interesting, or different, or on sale (score!), so you pick up a few extra things. even with a list, shopping's in your head. and i know how to pick meat, produce and what not. he came home with a bag of carrots that had an expiration date for the next day one time, and another time i said to buy a round roast, he came home with a chuck roast!! it'a a man thing. yeah?

but i'm jealous too. like right now this minute i'm supposed to be emailing him the grocery list i've yet to finish because HE'S going to whole foods. that's why i said i had to hurry...life just isn't fair. i'll blog more later, i've got to finish this grocery list!

be well :)