Thursday, July 31, 2008

unexpectetd anxiety

ladybug started city daycamp this week and cani tell you how excited i am?? i've had her all summer so far and i need a break!!

thank goodnes she loves the camp. it's not the fiasco that the summer drama camp had been a few weeks ago. she likes it because they're doing exactly what she wants to do - play all day, rip and run outside, swim, and go on little mini adventures around the neighborhood. yes!!

the only thing is that once a week, on wednesdays, they take an 'out of town' field trip. they're not really going far at all, it's just that they're leaving our little town, and to little kids, it's 'far'.

so ladybugs group went to the oakland a's game yesterday. can i tell you how anxious and nervous i was? and how i was trying to figure out how i could go too? why? well, the thought of her being that far away without me, juan, my mom or dad warching over her. protecting her. and, yes, even the possibility of something happening to her. (my mind actually went there! yikes) i was almost sick.

i asked the counselors in charge who all was going, how many real adults where going, how old were they, how long have they been couselors, and how were they getting to the game. yep, i sure did do that. i found myself being a nervous ninny mom, and so what.

and you know what else i did? i sat there in the parking lot, in my T5, for an hour and 45 minutes, waiting til they left for the game. yep. i did. and, when the buses came, i wrote down the name of the company, and bus id numbers, license plate numbers, and the description of the drivers. i felt a bit better to see that the drivers were female. i don't know why. interesting.

you see, she's it for me due to this damn disease. i find myself fighting myself, trying to keep myself from getting this way whenever she leaves me. this fear, really. fear of losing her because she's it for me. and because she's it for me, is why god made her so perfect. perfect for me. and this life situation we've found ourselves in.

so yes, i did that. and i don't care. i felt so much better in having done it. i love and treasure her. she (along with hubby) is my life. so... so what!


see ode to ladybug

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

oh the joy of a child, thank you glo

for christmas hubby and i (more me than him) had decided at the last minute that ladybug should have a doll house. something that every little girl should have, if possible. we, or i, came to this conclusion one day about a week or so before christmas when i was struck at how non-little-girly our beloved daughters room was.

now, don't get me wrong. she has the girly bed and all the trimmings from potterybarn kids, a fantastic custom closet were she has a mini library of books and an decent assortment of dvd's (both educational and for entertainment), a computer, a very few nic nacs, and clothes. her bathroom is barely girly as well. what's missing?

dolls and a doll house for them to stay.

other than the one culturally accurate 'groovy girl' that she's had since she was 2 or 3, there was no doll life in existance. from the moment we knew we were having a little girl, i declared our house a babrie free zone. so i guess because of that, teh whole doll world, and what goes with it, just slipped my mind. we are'nt big toy parents in general. we've been described as giving ladybug a pencil and a blank sheet of paper and told her to 'have at it'. no, not really. we just feel that there it's not necessary to have tons or toys.

i'll ever forget the time when i had orderd her this really neat leapfrog toy that finally came. so we got all excited when the ups guy rang teh doorbell! we opened the box and ... WOW!! LOOK!! this great toy!! she could have cared less about the toy, she spent the nedt 2 weeks playing heartily with the box is came in. yep. she was 3. and she's still like that. so, between having several of those experiences, and just not being into having tons of toys, the doll thing just fell through the cracks.

so now, here we are, a week from christmas. it was all i could do to find an african american barbie doll, and the doll house, any doll house? forget about it!! and we did. well, sort of. it was always in the back of my mind.

then, glo to the rescue!! the very week that i began to search for a doll hoouse as a back to school present, glo emailed me to ask if we could use her daughter's old doll house. how fantastic is that?!? how thoughtful and loving glo is. she really truly is. i am so bleesed.

we surprised ladybug with it last friday and i almost cried from watching her joy and happiness. really. she is trully in heaven with it. i got up the other night around 2:30am to go to the bathroom and i could hear this funny cling clack sound coming from her room. she was up in teh middle of the night playing with her doll house! i just wish glo could see how happy ladybug really is with her thoughtful and loving gift.

thanks glo, i love you :)

Monday, July 28, 2008

can i get a wet wipe... puhleeez??!?!?


i just can't take this anymore. these damn hot flashes. they're truly hell sent and will most certainly be the means to my ruination i tell you!!

yes, hot flashes. "but, you're so young..?" you say. yeah, well..... chemotherapy induced menopause doesn't discrimate. and nothing i can do about it. nothing.

horomone replacement therapy? nope. i have 'throw' clots. would want a blood clot to hit my brain, or my heart, or my lungs. that wouldn't be good at all , lol! ok,, maybe not so funny.

like these damn hot flashes!!

i'm thinking of that moment in the movie "steel magnolias" when sally field's character M'lyn is having a rant at her daughter shelby's graveside about how bad she feels. she says she "I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna hit somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!..". that's how i feel.

no, of course i don't want anyone to be in my position. i don't want anyone to really feel like i feel. to be going through what i'm going through. hell, at times. it's the emotion of that scene, that's what i mean. that's how bad i feel.

yeah, yeah, i know there's all sorts information and resources out there about how to deal with them. soy. black cohosh. vitamin e. humor replacement therapy. accupuncture. yoga. etceterra, etceterra, etceterra.....

so what!! i'm angry!! there was no perimenopause. no easing up sideways to it. it came quickly. chemo came along, held a gun to my head, and forced me to take a running leap off a cliff'.... i'm not ready!!

well, i'm off now to take another quick shower before i go to bed and soak through another set of sheets.

be well :)


hey everyone!

i'm so blessed! i have made some wonderful, wonderful friends through this blogosphere world, and i am so thankful.

one in particular has become just a wonderful spirit in my life is lovebabz. like my girl glo, we connected devinely by chance and, for me at least, it was love at first speak. she is nothing but love and strength and courage to me.

well, she came this way for the BlogHer conference held in san francisco weekend before last. and i'm awful for only just now posting about this! the original plan was that we were to attend the conference together along with sharing the hotel room. FUN!!! well, there were grave mixups on my end ( i am NOT going to talk about it! lol!) and that didn't happen. you have no idea how upset and sad i was. no idea at all.

she said "don't worry about that, it's in the past. it's done". she had a good point, and i knew that to be true, but... i was still pissed! whatever.

anyway, we got it together and went on with the the last part of our original plan, which was to spend sunday together. YAY!!

hubby and ladybug drove me in to the city to pick her up at the hotel, and i played tour guide whle babz played tourist. she hopped into the drivers seat of my beloved lil black T5... yes, she drove my T5. that's how much i love her!!

how jealous are you?!?

so we drove around the city with me pointing things out, she drove us across the golden gate bridge, then throught marin. he hit my house for a breaher and to pick up my camera. then i gave her a brief tour of my little village hamlet that's just 20 minutes north of the city in the east bay. then we headed into oakland for some soul food, and she got to meet my daddy and one of his cadre of character acquaintences. babz watched me pig out, then we headed back home. i was exhaused, truth be told. i realy wanted to get her around oakland more. but next time.

how jealous are you?!?

so we headed back to the 'ponderosa' (my house), to exhale again and chit chat. oh it was soooo good to have my babz with me, live and in living color! we sat on my beloved comfy blue sofa and laughed and talked and giggled. she got to see the mess of all my crafting in my diningroom, my dog, and all the things surrounding my as i communicate to you. just blessed!

how jealous are you?!?

lastly, my 'lil sister shannon came by to take babz back to the hotel. happiness. sadness. it wasn't enough. i'm not ready. bittersweet.

but still. i got to lay hands and eyes on, and be blessed by my babz. i love you.

Friday, July 11, 2008

what would you say when, well, you're still here?

first, let me say sorry for staying away for so long, i hate worring you all. i've had quite a bit of busy-ness going on. but some great fun as well, so stay tuned! now, down to business!
if you had the opportunity to write your own eulogy, today, what would you say?

honestly, i wouldn't know what to write about myself. yeah, there's the usuall stuff, for me. like.. doing what's right, and living with intergirty, etc.. i really do go out of my way to do the right thing. we should do what we can to help people. i beleive strongly that truth and integrity is more than very important, and i am "truthful to a fault"... as my dad says (well, 99.99% of the time ;~)

anyway, i got to wondering about what i would say about myself. i got to thinking about whether or not i'm truly living a true, honest, and authentic life. am i being true to me? which happens to be my life goal. am i really doing it? am i really giving this goal the attention that i feel it deserves? it's hard for me to do right now actually. especially when, if you're like me. surrounded by people who go out of their way to be inauthentic. who have created, and insist on being in, their own world and truths. then inflict all that on me.

i know what i would like my eulogy to say. i think of all those who've passed on, and how everyone had such wonderful things to say about the. the good, the loving, the humble, the gracious, the authentic. of course i want all those words to be used when talking about me. but i want to BE those things now. for me. not for anyone else. not for anyone else to say that about me because they think i'm nice, or cute, or smart. or funny. or dealing with health life threatening health issues. NO. FOR ME.

this is important to me. because life is important to me. living is important to me. living fully, with joy, love, truth, intergrity, and great food (ha!) is critical to me. so this eulogy, this statement of my life, if you will, is me. but you see. i want this eulogy, to be the statement of my life NOW. how i live. as i live. why wait til i'm gone?

why wait til you're gone?

hmmm... so what would i say?

that i am living my life fully! with joy, passion, excitement! for my family. my daughter. oh my beautiful ladybug! my dear hubby. my wonderful friends. ah, my friends. that i love to laugh, and that great food, good music, and driving my beloved 'lil black "T-5" feed my soul. how i care deeply, and do for those in need. i always root for the 'underdog', and look for the good along with the great in people.

i'd like to go on really, but fear sounding vain. well, i am a bit vain, not modest at all, lol! but you know what i mean? what i'm really trying to say? i mean to say that i want to live to the highest degree of good. get as close to god as i can, quietly, gently, humbly, through my living. i may not be using the right words to express myself. me and my aphasia. (frustration)

so what would your eulogy, no, life statement be? what would you say about you? as you live?

be well :)

for me, being authentic means being true to myself and my interactions with others - my feelings, my thoughts, my passions, needs, and wants, and communicating them with honesty, truth, compassion, empathy, and integrity.... right now at least. :)

Monday, July 7, 2008

my holiday experience

hey there! how was your holiday weekend? safe i hope. we spent ours at home. together. and we sang happy birthday to america, then sang one of my favorite songs... the national anthem. then... FIREWORKS!! yay!!

so we went to our little spot over to our secret spot at shan's house, to watch our towns fireworks show. it's nothing fancy at all. our town is very much a little village in a way. just how i like it, considering that i'm a city girl. there were lots of people, families. on bikes. lots, like us, had blankets and lawn chairs. it's so fun, mainly i think because it's very much about family and community here.

but while we were watching the show, something interesting happend. i began to pray. aloud. i couldn't help it. then, the lady next to me started to pray with me. and the guy on the other side started. then the young lady, couldn't have been more than 20. and another guy, clearly a dad. and his wife. then, we had a big 'yes lord, thank you jesus, amen' corner going.

it was amazing. it was wonderful. it was...... i don't have the words. but i wish that everyone could have had that moment too. where there were first some strangers and neighbors and friends. then became family. family under god. and country.


be well :)

Friday, July 4, 2008


with all that's going on in these days, i am so very thankful, and proud, to be an american.
yes, there are partys, bbq's, potatoe salad, water games, and yes, my very favorite... fireworks! but lets still please remember why we are celebrating this day in the first place.
this is the day that america was born. born of hope and struggle. hard fought freedoms for all. freedom.
let us remember also those who have, and are still at this very moment, fighting for this freedom. our flag represents so so much. and i love it. my god i love it.
yes, i'm the one who gets emotional when i hear the 'star bangled banner', and sing along to every word. everyone should know the words to it. and yes, i get emotional when i think of this county's natural beauy and wonders. and it's people. i love this county's people.
i love america. america. america.

i wish all of you and yours a very happy and safe 4th of july!

be well :)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

ode to ladybug, part two

i can't even begin to explain to you how much i love my child. the word love just ins't sufficient realy. my first 'ode to ladybug' talked about my feelings for her, and eventhen, still not enough.

so, there's this song by lauryn hill called "To Zion", where she's talking about her son, zion, and goes through the feelings of her experience. in a way, her experience is mine too. and whenever i here this song, i think of my ladybug. actually, it's not that hear the song often, it's that i thnk of it often, because of how intensly i love my girl.

well, here are the word to the song, but i've made some changes, as thouse of you who know the song will be able to tell....

Unsure of what the balance, held, I touched my belly overwhelmed by the meaning of it all. Then an angel came one day, told me to kneel down and pray, for unto me a womanchild would be born. Though it's crazy circumstances, I knew her life deserved a chance, but everybody told me to be smart..."Look at your career " they said,"Angela, please use your head." But instead I chose to use my heart.

Now the joy... of my in Lauren! Now the joy... of my in Lauren!

How beautiful if nothing more than to wait at Lauren's door. I've never been in love like this before. Now let me pray to keep you from the perils that will surely come. See life for you my Princess has just begun. And I thank you for choosing me to come through unto life to be. You are a beautiful reflection of His grace. You see, I know that a gift so great is only one that God could create, and I'm reminded of that every time I see your face....

That the joy of my world is in Lauren! Now the joy my world is Lauren.

My beautiful, beautiful LAUREN!!

..... yes, my lauren camille.