lifting the mask

The man with passive aggressive behavior has to have someone to be the object of his covert hostility. He needs a woman whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from in childhood. He can never be angry or show anger but he will stick it to her in under-handed ways. he chooses a woman who agrees to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. She, of course, has no idea she has agreed to this until it is way too late to turn back. He will resist giving her what she wants and needs which will set up a pattern of frustration in her and she will end up expressing the anger that he is unable to.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive man is that he never follows through on agreements and promises he has made. He will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while, at the same time make it look as if he is pulling more than his own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, the woman is be made to believe that she is loved and adored by a man who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone, until it is too late. He ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through his own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems, will completely withdraw from the relationship. He will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit his own agenda, minimize or lie so that his version of what is real seems more logical.

He communicates in a vague way in an attempt to sandbag his partner. He is inconsistent and ambiguous. He will say one thing and do another and then deny ever saying the first thing. He doesn't communicate his needs and wishes in a clear way, expecting his partner to read his mind and meet his needs. After all, if she truly loved him she would just naturally know what he needs wouldn't she? He will always withhold information about how he feels or what he has been up to and you can bet he has a hidden agenda for doing so.

his ego is and can't take the slightest criticism, or what he percieves to be, and will turn it back around on his partner and attempt to make her look like the person at fault. if she confronts him about his behavior he will sulk and use silence or walk completely away leaving you to deal with the problem alone, or find a way to get back at her. a hurtful game of 'tit for tat'.

Don't ever expect him to live up to his promises, obligations and responsibilities as far as she, or the relationship, is concerned. Watch out though if he thinks she's done something to him though. He will dole out punishment that outweighs the crime and she will feel as if she's been hit in the heart with a sledge hammer. He will become excessive in his need to get back at her and can obsess on it until he feels that she's been dealt with properly.

Beware, a passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head spinning. he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all back on you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind. He will NEVER admit to any wrongdoing, will make subtle ambiguous statements then deny altogether any hurtful intent. He will also do little subtle hurtful things like being late for a dinner date or forgetting your birthday, then deny any harmful intent, accusing the you of being overly sensitive. His game is to "get back" at someone he feels has wronged him by refusing any kind of cooperation with them. He will feign ignorance when confronted and will appear to be very hurt that you could think he would purposefully or intentionally do anything hurtful.

He never looks internally to examine his role in a problem. He has to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. He lives in denial of his self-destructive behavior, the consequences of that behavior and the choices he has made that causes all his pain. He will turn his focus toward others and all the wrongs they have done to him. He feels immense anger and aggression because, in his mind, everyone else is crazy. All this aggression and anger is expressed indirectly and covertly, and at great emotional harm/cost to anyone attached to him.

The passive aggressive man shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others unless it fits his agenda to do so. To him you are an object to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. That's it. He will stand in the way of you getting what you need and will then ignore or minimize your hurt feelings and anger. He has no idea how to compromise in a relationship and when faced with the demand that he make a compromise you will get the silent treatment. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved in getting his own needs met and not facing his own fears. He is angry where he shouldn't be and not angry where he should be. He gives away his personal power when he doesn't trust his feelings, he manipulates people with kindness, he makes excuses for those who deserve no excuses, and he displaces his angry feelings onto those who have done nothing to hurt him. He will regard a well-intended person with contempt based on his displaced anger and react in self-defeating ways. He is confused and can't understand why women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if he must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over becoming dependent on someone else. He wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence to his partner. He absolutely can't be with anyone emotionally. He wants love and attention but avoids it because he fears it will destroy him. The man with passive aggressive actions is a master manipulator when it comes to getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He's very talented at getting her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. How? He may give into her and clean up his act for several weeks after a blow up, but then it's back to business as usual.

- written by cathy meyer, and angela

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
these words are not all mine, however the feelings and experience is.


be well :)

more than a neighbor

many of you know by now that i am absolutely crazy about stamping and scrapbooking, and have now created a seperate site just for my madness. well, through this new love of mine, i am discovering a wonderful group of friends that i am so thankful to have.

one of which is patty. this lady's creations are just amazing! if i could be one fourth as creative as she is then i'd be satisfied. outside of stamping, laughing and having fun, we share passion for some of the same things like photography, flowers, family, friends, and faith. hmpf. funny how that worked :) along with patty are my 'sisters' in ink, sharon and ellen, and we always have a blast when together. i thank them for their prayers.

here's a pretty card patty sent me when i started this last round of chemo. it's a picture of one of her beautiful flowers from her garden, which i'm currently coveting due to my own backyard garden fiasco, along with some wonderful 'reminders'.

thanks patty, sharon, ellen, and all my stamp family.

be well :)

I LOVE MUSIC!!

i just had to say that. now maybe i'll go go bed now...



.... yes babz, i'm still up :)

track star here!

hey, checking in. sorry i've been away for a week. alot has happened, but then, it's been nothing but the same. i wound up in the hospital last week and escaped friday, just in time for ladybugs last championship meet.

this girl just loves to run. it's all she wants to do, really! so these pics are of her chillin' before one of the races, then of juan and i getting her cleets on; then me and my cousin sonia; lauren camille and team warming up - notice that she's the smallest one. i am so frustrated right now because i can't seem to figure out how to caption and line up my pics...STILL! uhg! i'll post pics of her medals later, i'm just too frustrated.

i don't know if you all out there in blogland are aware of all the fires out here in northern california, but... there are lot's of fires burning around us here, and the air was just awful yesterday. my lungs were burning yesterday at the track, and cheering for ladybug didn't help. i feel so awful for those who are loosing everything in these fires. can you imagine having just, and literally seconds, to grab something... anything, before the fire comes? what would you grab? and where would you go? i think about this often. especially now when i can see, smell, and taste the smoke. i am a photobug and have thousands of pictures. really. thousands. plus all of juans computer equipment. not only is this area one big fire zone, but it's also one big earthquake zone as well. i was here for our recent 'big one' in '89, and remember the oakland hills firestorm which scorched my grandparents nieghborhood. not fun these memories are my friends.

but i'm as prepared as i feel i can be. i have 3 day/3 person emergency packs for the cars. i have a compact yet very complete er kit for the house too. and i can't forget the 'grab bag' filled with clothes, toiletries, and cash for several days. so that means i should sleep comfortably now, right?

well, on the bright side... i am feeling better and my ladybug did fantastic at the sub-bantam usa pacific (?) championships yesterday (saturday)!!! i can barely stand it! she took second in the 200m, first in the 100, and 5th in the team 4x100m relay running the third leg. they wouldn't have come in 5th if it were'nt for her. it was a family affair too! my mom and dad were there, juan's mom flew out from atlanta just for the meet, and my cousin/sister sonia and her twins, and my dad brought one of my nephew's too. oh it was just wonderful, so i won't bore you with the drama my mother is fond of creating on this post.

GIRL POWER!!!!!

be well :)

is it thursday yet?

i

look at ladybug. she spent all day with me getting chemo and she loves it! (??) go figure. she loves the juices they give, and seeing all the medical stuff - the pumps, the beeping, the bubbles in the tubbing, seeing the blood, the needles, the blue gloves (her favorite!). she's so good and my god do i love her!

look at that face! i have no reason nor excuse to be crappy becasue look at what i have to be so very thankful, no, greateful for. we laughed, giggled, told jokes, played 'i-spy' ("i spy something clear with bubbles that's gonna make you throw up mommy"), and drank juice. my daddy came by to bring her some mc donalds.. not at all what we chemo-heads wanted to see or smell! lol!!

what a blessing to be able to have fun with my child while getting chemo. god is great. what the hell do i have to complain about?!?!? no, its not fun to get stuck (for the port) without lidocaine (oouch!). to feel your energy leave your body like air. to lay with your child as she takes a nap, watching her, listening to her breathe. wishing it was my breathe too. god she's beautiful.

ok, i'm babbling. why? really? i don'g feel good. really? i feel like crap. well, more than crap. this round has knocked me on my ass and i wasn't expecting it too. i always think it's not going to kcock me on my ass. what's that about? can somebody tell me what was i thinking? uuhh make it stop. i just want to get to thursday. no real reason realy. it's just when i think i'll feel better. i'm so green. uhg. ok, enough whining. no more whining.

back to the toilet....

be well :)

ps... am quiet nervous about showing this much of 'me'

shan day!!

hey, hey, hey ... i had a shan day!!

we had a girls date night. dinner, several drinks (yes!), then a movie - sex and the city. it was great. it was a mix of bday and just plain hanging out. and it was a really good time. with my shan.

i've known shan for a long while now. since i don't kow when though really. i just know she was still in high school i think. i was already back in atlanta, or in new york. our moms work together are decent friends. in these last several years or so, shan has become so very important to me. even more than 'like' a little sister. the thing is, is that i don't know when. but i know how. we've become close because she has such a warm, caring, genuine, selfless way about her. you know, all those words. but she is those words. the meaning of those words. and is so humble and matter a fact about it. because she is those words. i love her.

shan has a way of keeping up with me. we'll have these 'check ins' every few weeks or so. and when i'm under the weather, or getting ansy and climbing the walls (she has a keen sense about that with me!), she'll come rescue me and off we go, to the starbucks down the street for chit chat and great company. and we talk about all sorts of stuff. she's such a great listener.

i love her. truly. deeply. and i respect and admire her. and her courage. especially now. she's going through a rough patch right now and has had to make some tough decisions. ones that i'm certain many of us couldn't make. there's somehing about her. really. very special. and i love her.

you see, i am just so blessed. blessed with wonderful people in my life like my shan. and i do hope and wish that you all are blessed to have someone in your life like my shan.

i love you shan :)

checking in part 2

hey there!

i hope all is well with you and yours. i've had a busy week. it was ladybugs second week of summer vacation, and she began tutoring with her first grade teachers assistant, whom she loves, and swiming lessons at the Y. she loves that too. anything that has to do with the water really. she loves taking bathes.

anyway, on monday, just after her tutor arrived, i go so sick that i had to be rushed to the emergency room by my mom. thank god for my nieghbor. he was right there with me on the floor, flushing the toilet, keeping the towel wet. oh god i was sick. and worried because my baby was upstairs with her tutor. juan couldn't get back home in time, and my mom had just left her house, so she came back and got me. he carried me out to the car. it we pretty dramatic. i just kept thinking of ladybug. i was praying she couldn't/didn't hear all the commotion going on. and of mom. how much of a narcissist was she going to be on this trip, and if i'd have to cuss her out.

so they released me much later that day, and yes, mom was still mom. i got to feeling better later in the week and went off on my all my pre chemo tests and stuff. i had quite a bit to do it felt, for it to be a chemo week. too much really. yet i made it through. i even bought her a little miniature blow up swim pool too.

here are a few pic's of ladybug on her first day of swim lessons.

be well :)

a very late, but happy daddy's day

so, first, let me give a very, late, but very warmly felt, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY wish to all those wonderful present daddy's out there.

i want so badly to talk about all the good and great things he does and has done. how much i love him. admire him. and of course... how good looking he is. but i can't right now, because i'm feeling under the weather, same 'ole song. but you all know i treated him right. and i'll just leave you with a few visuals.....

be well :)

checking in

hey there! all is well in my little valley. been a bit hectic though. chemo was, well, you know... chemo. and i'm up and ready for the last two coming this thursday and friday. so what's been happing with me lately? well...

let's see, most of last week is a big blur - really. now i do remember that my little jackie joyner-kersee/flo jo/althea gibson, bka ladybug, had a two day track meet last friday and saturday in tulare, ca which is very near fresno, about 4 hours away. HOT as HELL! it's in the california valley - all farmland. we loaded up the T5 (so sexy!) with teh lawn chairs, snacks, drinks and other misc. sutff the the two day adventure.

now, in the course of this trip, juan came oh so very close to getting my cane wrapped around his neck. i know i've talked a bit about how crazy he can be, and subsiquintly, how crazy he could (notice.. past tenst) make me. but i know know if i've talked about the fact that i've come to the realization that, in addition to his ocd/anxiety issues, he's got some real passive aggressive stuff going on too. fun. i'll leave this topic to another post. promise.

so, back to the cane getting wraped around the neck... like i was saying, he was ocd'ing while gettign ready to leave and i was starting to get sick because of it, so i thought seriously for a moment about not going, which i think that that's what he wanted. lol :) but no, i had missed her last out of town meet because that was chemo weekend, and she made it very clear that i was to be there... by her highness' command. so i grit my teeth, put my cane out of reach, and bared it.

my girl did fantastic!! she placed 2nd in the 200m, 3rd or fourth in the 400m, which is the first time she ran that event and in 105 degree heat! and then 3rd in the 100m. no 4x100 relay. i am so proud of her because this is her first organized anything, the pracices are a bit much for her age (3xweek til 7pm - she's normally in the bed by 7:30), and she's running against 7 and 8 year olds. so she's smaller and younger! go baby!!!

now, what else have i been up to? oh yeah, took a trip to the emergency room yesterday... and all is well. i had a bout with severe vomiting. just another hurdle, and i'm over it (wink, wink*). so now i'm just hanging out til round 3 and 4 on thursday/friday.

what did i do for father's day? stay tuned......

be well :)

day two... still smiling

i forgot i took this pic myself on my phone. day two was rougher, but i was still smiling because of all of your good thoughts, wishes, prayers. love.

be well :)

end of day two

well, i'm halfway there. yay!!! the seconday, which is the drug cytoxan, is always hard for me, but i'm done for now. and the sun is still shinning. it's a beautiful day today.

i actually have a great time. as great of a time as you can when getting chemo. the staff is just fantastic. i mean really. a great group of nurses who've been with me since almost the beginning. they make me feel so good (and no, it's just because of the good drugs, lol!), and take such great care of me that it's hard to feel bad when i'm there. plus, the other patients are great too! many of them are may truly be on their last leg, some of them are very elderly. i think i'm part of the youngest in the group, at least on the days i've gone.

we talk, share stories and experiences, compare different medications, different treatments and medical trials, battle scares, and laugh. oh god do we laugh! it's actually fun, in between the getting up every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom, and the pain, and the blood pressure checks. just about everyone there that i've had the pleasure to come across, and know, is fighting in some form or fashion for their life. so when we get together, there's no sadness, no talk of death. it's not a depressing sight - a room full of chemotherapy patients. we are all there, in some form or fashion, fighting for our lives, and we all know that. so there's no reason, no time, no need for sadness.

so yes, we actually, usually, have a good time. it's so encouraging, so strengthening, so inspiring about it.seeing other's in their struggle. there's usually at least one person there "sicker" than me, and is so joyful, full of life! and these are the only reasons why i look forward to chemo. the nurses, the patients. and i love them. these are some of the reasons why i get through it.

i don't always like to talk about going through chemo. as i've told you just know, the start of it isn't bad at all. but for me, chemo is all that they say, or you think it is. awful. just awful. and then worse still worse than that. and i hate it. but, like i've said before, i also love it. because it keeps me alive in a way. and it awfulness passes. it always does. and i always get through it. so there it is.

a member of the hospital chaplaincy staff came by to chat, and i really didn't feel like it at that moment, the cytoxan was really staring to kick in. but i spoke with him anyway. that's me (and it's something that drives juan crazy about me-he doesn't understand why i do that). we talked about many things, but what struck me was when he said that he sees that i don't give in to my suffering enough as i should, that my suffering is blessing and that it's ok to dwell on it, that it's a calling on my heart, my spirit, to bless and be blessed. and it brings me closer to god. i say that struck me hard. i'm still chewing on it actually, and probably will be for a minute. because he's right in that no, i don't dwell on, in, my suffering much at all really. i guess i see it as a bad thing in a way, and, well, it scares me told him. it scares me to think about how bad it really is. and i don't have time for that. he said something like fear is at the heart of a good fight. baamm! struck again. i think i get what he's saying basically. but help me with this if you can.

so there, once again, blessings. blessings all around me. no, i can't be mad at my situation for long. because i am just so blessed. how can i stand it?

well, here are some pic's of day one. i was feeling too yucky today to be bothered. the group pick is of me and all the nurses, but there's one missing.. harjinder. i love her so much too. like a mama in a way. she has a way of looking into you and seeing your pain and suffering, then gently touching you so it eases or goes away. laying hands she does. then there's one of me and my daddy, he's so faithful. he's there everyday and get's a bit of attention too - isn't he fine!! then of me getting my 'feel good juice', checking my port, there's the pump 'pushing' the iv's at 400, which is fast too me because it has me going to the bathroom every 20 minutes! lol!!

i will go rest now, give me a few days, however, i've got some new pic's of cards to post on my inkyfingers site... i'll do that latter, lol!!! i'm in very good spirits :)

be well :)

one down, three to go...

wow..... wow, wow, wow.

i am so very overwhelmed, awed, greatful, humbled, and blessed by your words. your sweet words. your words have encouraged me. uplifted me. prepared me and shielded me. they came/come at a time when i so very needed them

oh how i want to go on now to explain what you all have done for me this time, but, i am so very exhausted. i mean the kind of exhaustion where you are dilerious. for those of you who've had babies... do you remember that exhaustion where you felt like you were to tired to even breathe? right. plus i'm sitting here nodding off as i try to type.

so as juan comes over and sits down to 'stare' at me so i'll get his point, i'll wind down and post the rest tmrw.

I THANK YOU ALL SO VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH. I FEEL YOUR PRAYERS HOLDING ME, LIFTING ME, ENCOURAGING ME. I FEEL ALL OF YOU GENTLE WILLFUL LOVE AND HOPE AND DETERMINATION FOR ME. and i draw from this, because this is how i've gotten through. this is how i WILL get through.

*** LOL!! i nodded off!! ok, i've got to sign off now.. i'll check in later, maybe tomorrow before my chemo funk sets in, lol.

I LOVE YOU ALL !!!

be well :)

what a send off

wow! i'm in tears as i type this, rushed because i am literally walking out the door as juan fusses to "let's go!"

thank you all so very, very much. you have no idea. i know that the power of prayer heals. it's why i'm still here. i am so very blessed! oh shucks!! more fussing from you know who...

i've got to go now. i just had to say thanks. i'll post again when i get home.

and to my sweet sweet love, the ulitmate warrior queen. babz. *tears* i love you!
~~~~~~~~~~
*** he left me so i'm back....
that husband of mine, i tell you!! he was stomping around upstairs, while yelling "let's go!!". i was all ready (because that's how i am!) just typing this post. well, he see's that i'm on the computer and then declares " i thought you were down here waiting on me!" and of course didn't hear what i said about being ready. so then he says he'll just have to take lauren camille and come back and get me. honestly, i didn't say a word because he's stressed, and i don't want to make it any worse, and... i wanted to finishe this post!
~~~~~~~~

i'll be back later!

with much love!!

gearing up for chemo

it's a good day today. the sun is out. there's a gentle breeze. a sort of crispness. ideal really. a good day for it to be the day before the day i start chemo.

i'm a bit dicombobulated right now though. and having a hard time finding my words today. major brain fog, or morphine fog, or i'm just feeling too many things right now, so i'll probably ramble through this post.

yes, i start chemo tomorrow. then another dose on friday. then repeat in two weeks. i want to say that the timing sucks. but really, when is there a good tome for chemo? it's that i've managed to go exactly 8 months to the day with no chemo, which is a major record. until now, i'd never been able to go longer than 3 months. (woo hoo!!) so why am i feeling pouty and ungreatful? well, i've got things to do, places to go, people to see!

and for the record, i'm not pouty and ungreatful. not even having a 'moment'. it's just that i do have things to do, places to go, and people to see. really. yes, i am supposed to be slowing down, not even working really (total and permanent disability... me? yeah, right). and i've added that to my list of things to do too. really. i'm working on it. and being the overachiever that i am, i'm doing pretty good with it. but...

i'm still here. i'm still me. and must go on with the business of being me while living. and what that is or means for me is to do, go, and see. no, no i won't "over do it", and i'll "behave". but i must still be the me that i am. so,well, that does mean abit over doing it and misbehaving. just a bit slower, quieter, and with less hair and no eyebrows.

i don't think i've ever discussed what it is that i do. so i will now tell you what that is. i am a certified professional life coach. i primarily help women gain clarity, and make important decisions about things that are critically important to them, then set goals and develop action plans in order to take the necessary steps to reach them. my main focus is in the areas of work/life balance and time management, financial, and career issues. for me it's all about making the commitment to yourself to take care of yourself. we women are all so busy taking care of everyone else, putting everyone else and their needs/requrements before our own, along with not being able to say the word "no", that we are actually killing ourselves. ok, i'll get off my soap box for now and save it for another post (see this post for a bigger taste). just know that i love helping women discover their own power and creating action plans to help them use it!!

anyway, see how i perked right up? that's me. and i have to be me. so off to chemo i go. with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and tons of love and faithful prayer warriors lifting up, oh so high! . so i'm all good, ya know? and this chemo ain't nothing but a thang.

you must do what you have to do in order to do what you want to do. or something like that!

on another note, one year ago today is the day that i started this blog. this wonderful thing called blogging has helped me, kept me, blessed me. and i am blessed and happy. i originally thought i'd have some neat and cute comment about it being my blogs b-day, but i don't. i'm just glad that i have it. and you all. i thank you.

with so much love....

be well :)

"This Is Our Moment"

i am sitting here, in my big comy blue sofa, in tears. good tears. celebratory tears. because it's official. Barack Obama now has more than the minimum required delegates to be considered, declared, the democratic presidential nominee. this is heady stuff. it's historical stuff.

as i've said time and time again, i'm not eloquent. i'm not a writer. so my words will fall short of truly, accurately, meaningfully describing what this moment means to me. what this moment may mean to many.

right now, i am thinking of my great aunt jean in pensacola, florida who, at 74 years old, has seen quite a bit in her life - in house telephones and bathrooms; affordable personal automobiles; the civil rights movement; regular space travel; the feminist movement; the (seemingly) blurring of the color line; the internet age; cell phones. yes, quite a bit. **more tears**

she is now baring witness to history once again. she has lived her life, like so many, believing, knowing that it was not a possiblity for a man like Barack Obama to have an opportunity to become the President of the United States of America. how sweet this moment must be for her. i grew up knowing that it is possible for someone like Barack Obama, or like my father, or, even, a woman like me, to have the chance to become President of these United States. how sweet this moment is for me. for my little brother. my parents. my 6 year old daughter. for so many.

*** it is now the day after - june 4th***

i am baring witness to history as well now too. it's different now. the sun is brighter. the trees are greener. music is sweeter. my smile is bigger. my comfy blue sofa is bluer and softer. it's different now. i'm high. high on hope.

be well... be hopeful :)

her majesty, princess inkyfingers

ok, juan has been really on me to get another site up that's just for my cards and scrapbooking. so.... i finally did it. PRINCESS INKYFINGERS is now up (http://princessinkyfingers.blogspot.com)

it's still a work in progress, especially since juan called me up moments ago and said, basically, to 'get it done'. love a man in charge, lol!! so i just very quickly posted some pic's. i'm still working on my watermark and copywrite stuff, but please check it out! and if you want to purchase or place an order for anything, please let me know, i will be more than happy to take care of you!

also, i will start conducting classes, once i get my wits about me after chemo.

be well :)

must... cook... soon..

ok, i don't know how long it's been since i've cooked!! i've been in the kitchen for sure.... my favorite oatmeal and raisin cookies from wholefoods. those frozen taquitos i like from the grocery store. i've run a few loads of dishes. several boxes of ritz crackers (i have a serious problem with them that i will discuss at a later time). swept. swiffered. mopped. wiped down the countertops countless times (do not get black granite countertops!!)

but cook? nope. and i am feeling it in a major way. my all clads are calling. the knives quietly whisper. the cuisinart stares longingly. the stove. oh my stove... it's quite possible that they all won't speak to me when i return due to neglect and subjecting them to juan (i know babz, i can't say anything bad about him, so... don't read this part!).

i've got to cook soon or i'm gonna go crazy!!

so here's the plan... i'm going to call my 'lil sis shan and bribe her with gas money (hell, it's about $4.20 or so in these parts!) and a hot cooked meal to take me to whole foods or trader joe's to pick up some much needed groceries.

must digress for a moment..... so babz, stop reading now.... as you all know, i'm very limited with my driving, and well, really shouldn't be driving at all, therefore juan has been doing all the food shopping. and you know what that means.... just the very basics - bread, juice, pasta, and lots of canned goods, along with lots of little debbies, gatoraide, cookies, chocolate covered raisins and other what nots. don't get me wrong, juan really does a fantastic job, most of the time. but he's a man. and like i've said in my previous post, i want to do the grocery shopping. i like to do the grocery shopping.

you can start reading again babz...

i'm gonna pic a few good dishes for the upcoming week, make a fabulous grocery list, come home and cook my heart out!! let's see... a stuffed roasted pork loin with cabbage and apples and maybe some confetti rice. then maybe some salmon with lemon, caper and garlic sauce with augratin potatoes and asparagus. how about stuffed pasta shells with ground turkey and cheeses in a garlic cream sauce with a litlle bit of red wine red sauce too. hmmm a good 'ole fashioned herb roasted chicken or beef roast with creamy mashed yukon gold mashed potatoes and some spinach may do the trick too.

i've got to do this before i start chemo next week. i'll keep you posted!

be well :)